time flies.. joe is back to taiwan for work, i'm left with jeremiah in singapore.. though he promised to be back soon, but i feel so alone..
yes past month is hectic and chaos jeremiah's arrival, family tensions and all that stupid cny hype. i barely had a good rest after my confinement. i kinda miss my confinement days - just eat, nurse and rest (though there's emotional stress and tensions around). i really feel the difference from pregnancy to giving birth, from birth to confinement, and from confinement to normal days.
for past 2 weeks, after knowing joe is preparing to return to taiwan.. i admit i had/ have depression. for a start, i simply tried to take on all baby-related tasks by myself (afterall this is how it will be when my hubby is not around). it stressed me out totally esp i also had breasts inflammation due to engorgment *super PAINFUL*.. i had a quarrel with joe. but thank God he's very understanding and even took the initiative to talk to my family for support in his absence. truly, he's a great father who took on all diapering and a great husband who wakes up for all night feeds so i can rest. truly, i'm very scare without him. it's like having my right hand cut off - so many things yet so limited. i'm overwhelmed. i practically cried at every meal grace and every night. how much i will miss him yet how badly i know we need the finances. nothing beats having my supportive husband around... i miss my husband..
Sunday 16 February 2014
Wednesday 5 February 2014
update on 5th week after birth.
finally i have time and energy to log in after giving birth of my little boy jeremiah on 28 dec 2013. yea, that's about 5weeks ago. trust me, the last 5weeks were NOT easy. it's not that jeremiah is difficult to manage, but it's the adults' conflict management that is taxing, esp living with parents and everyone. *it's no wonder married couples rather live on their own, than to live with parents*
anyway, let's recall on 28dec2013. it's the day i planned with doc to induce as it's my 40th week of pregnancy, scheduled for 10am. who knows, my little man decided to come out at his own timing. 0030hr - i started contractions. it's really feel like stomachache, but to my horror i saw a pool of bloody liquid. i hurried to hospital immediately. by 0130hrs i was already in delivery room, pending doc's decision on my bloody discharge. yes, it's norm to have some blood with water bag burst, but mine was fresh blood flow and even some blood clots. that caused for dr cheng's concern and hence i was pushed for emergency c-section operation. i remember was 'j,i will inject and give you some oxygen to breath..' before i went out. the next moment i woke up, i asked for my baby 'how's my baby', someone answered 'he's fine, dont worry'. then i fell back into doze again. at around 0500hr, the nurse pushed my baby boy to my bed. he's so bundled up, like a gift.. sleeping in peace. nurse taught me the basic nursing before leaving him with me. what nursing.. all my heart was filled with surprise, and gladness that my little boy is safe and sleeping next to me. so this is the guy who kicked and punched my internal organs for past weeks. he's such a strong boy, despite his size. my little boy jeremiah.
hospital days went by fast and easy. everything was in control - my recovery and baby's growth. i struggled with colostrum cos the lactation consultants were leaving for their year-end holidays, leaving me with nurses to help. but anyway, i managed to extract less than 3ml for feeding. everything was smooth when nurses around, even though jeremiah was diagnosed to have jaundice on 3rd day.
hell came loose when i discharged from hospital. though joe is with me, but he's unfamiliar with local language (inclusive english) and practice. worse still, i find it hard to manage his living habits with my family. that's the start of everything downhill. my mood swings despite hard self efforts to stay in line. then i'm totally confused with breastfeeding techniques or even schedule - when to latch; when to pump. if i pump what if nothing much left to latch for jeremiah whose feeding is every 2hrs. if i latch, why is jeremiah crying for milk again every 30mins or so, he's supposed to be sleeping for at least 1hr before next feeding.. all the stress and all the questions. i tried my best to stay in control, asking and goggling for answers at night when baby is finally settled. i even made 3 calls to lactation consultants for advice. yes, i was stressed yet a strong front of control for first 2weeks.
then it's 3rd and 4th weeks when it's approaching chinese new year. thank god i've my confinement meals delivery, lest with all the cny hype in the family. i really so upset with my mum who totally crazed over cny. she kept telling me with bb around, priority and routine will have to change yet, i've to give up my breastmilk space to her seafood and even durians in the fridge. here i was already stressed up with breastfeeding and breastmilking, she's complaining about fridge space and even storeroom space cos there's really a lot of bb gifts and clothings from his baby shower. hello, it's not my fault that people likes to give clothings as gifts, right? to top it up, i became inbetween for joe and my family. honestly, i'm already trying to manage myself. thank God that baby jeremiah is easy to manage except his nappy rash (due to inexperienced daddy as nanny).
anyway, let's recall on 28dec2013. it's the day i planned with doc to induce as it's my 40th week of pregnancy, scheduled for 10am. who knows, my little man decided to come out at his own timing. 0030hr - i started contractions. it's really feel like stomachache, but to my horror i saw a pool of bloody liquid. i hurried to hospital immediately. by 0130hrs i was already in delivery room, pending doc's decision on my bloody discharge. yes, it's norm to have some blood with water bag burst, but mine was fresh blood flow and even some blood clots. that caused for dr cheng's concern and hence i was pushed for emergency c-section operation. i remember was 'j,i will inject and give you some oxygen to breath..' before i went out. the next moment i woke up, i asked for my baby 'how's my baby', someone answered 'he's fine, dont worry'. then i fell back into doze again. at around 0500hr, the nurse pushed my baby boy to my bed. he's so bundled up, like a gift.. sleeping in peace. nurse taught me the basic nursing before leaving him with me. what nursing.. all my heart was filled with surprise, and gladness that my little boy is safe and sleeping next to me. so this is the guy who kicked and punched my internal organs for past weeks. he's such a strong boy, despite his size. my little boy jeremiah.
hospital days went by fast and easy. everything was in control - my recovery and baby's growth. i struggled with colostrum cos the lactation consultants were leaving for their year-end holidays, leaving me with nurses to help. but anyway, i managed to extract less than 3ml for feeding. everything was smooth when nurses around, even though jeremiah was diagnosed to have jaundice on 3rd day.
hell came loose when i discharged from hospital. though joe is with me, but he's unfamiliar with local language (inclusive english) and practice. worse still, i find it hard to manage his living habits with my family. that's the start of everything downhill. my mood swings despite hard self efforts to stay in line. then i'm totally confused with breastfeeding techniques or even schedule - when to latch; when to pump. if i pump what if nothing much left to latch for jeremiah whose feeding is every 2hrs. if i latch, why is jeremiah crying for milk again every 30mins or so, he's supposed to be sleeping for at least 1hr before next feeding.. all the stress and all the questions. i tried my best to stay in control, asking and goggling for answers at night when baby is finally settled. i even made 3 calls to lactation consultants for advice. yes, i was stressed yet a strong front of control for first 2weeks.
then it's 3rd and 4th weeks when it's approaching chinese new year. thank god i've my confinement meals delivery, lest with all the cny hype in the family. i really so upset with my mum who totally crazed over cny. she kept telling me with bb around, priority and routine will have to change yet, i've to give up my breastmilk space to her seafood and even durians in the fridge. here i was already stressed up with breastfeeding and breastmilking, she's complaining about fridge space and even storeroom space cos there's really a lot of bb gifts and clothings from his baby shower. hello, it's not my fault that people likes to give clothings as gifts, right? to top it up, i became inbetween for joe and my family. honestly, i'm already trying to manage myself. thank God that baby jeremiah is easy to manage except his nappy rash (due to inexperienced daddy as nanny).
Monday 23 December 2013
39wk - different kind of advent
today is week39... i never thought baby jeremiah will still be inside my tummy at this week~ many has told me that first baby usually delivered at week37-38, but my little guy has decided to stay in longer.. so long that i'm beginning to worry if my diabetics will affect him.
a bit of background since i've not logged for some time. joe managed to arrive in Singapore in week37. since then, we have taken a lot of adjustments (joe will be residing in Singapore for at least 3 months~) in space arrangements. baby cot is finally set up, baby amenities and supplies are stocked up.. everything is ready for little jeremiah whom we expected to deliver last week.. in vain.
since week38 had gone past, my 'irritating' family decided to place bets on his birth dates. so far, the bet lost has amounted to $160. seriously, this is how silly human can be when you are merely waiting for time, the time, to come. cos of the tummy weight, joe has decided to ground me at home. honestly, i agree it's super tiring to walk in week39 cos of the weight, but it's also Christmas week!! how i want to be enjoying some tea or coffee, soaking myself in Christmas mood, after being deprived of Christmas shopping. but for sake of jeremiah, i guess it just have to be so.
yes God, my prayer is to have jeremiah at full term, but now it's about time to deliver him into this world safely, as a healthy and cheerful baby boy. this few days, perhaps??
a bit of background since i've not logged for some time. joe managed to arrive in Singapore in week37. since then, we have taken a lot of adjustments (joe will be residing in Singapore for at least 3 months~) in space arrangements. baby cot is finally set up, baby amenities and supplies are stocked up.. everything is ready for little jeremiah whom we expected to deliver last week.. in vain.
since week38 had gone past, my 'irritating' family decided to place bets on his birth dates. so far, the bet lost has amounted to $160. seriously, this is how silly human can be when you are merely waiting for time, the time, to come. cos of the tummy weight, joe has decided to ground me at home. honestly, i agree it's super tiring to walk in week39 cos of the weight, but it's also Christmas week!! how i want to be enjoying some tea or coffee, soaking myself in Christmas mood, after being deprived of Christmas shopping. but for sake of jeremiah, i guess it just have to be so.
yes God, my prayer is to have jeremiah at full term, but now it's about time to deliver him into this world safely, as a healthy and cheerful baby boy. this few days, perhaps??
Saturday 30 November 2013
35wk - joe is stuck, so am i
just want to blog this, before my disappointment affects baby jeremiah..
just ended skype call with joe.. his offshore assignment has hit a bottleneck and he cant leave the ship soon, which in turn he'd miss his flight to singapore on 5th dec. that will implies i've to stay under this delivery stress longer.. no idea when baby jeremiah will come out; no idea if his daddy will be able to receive him together with me. see, that's why i dare to say i'm a single-mother. i know joe is also in dilemma, he also wishes he could leave now, be here in singapore with me. but reality is that he didnt put his foot down in this assignment. he knew and he has told his team about this delivery, this flight to singapore.. but yet despite completing his assignment, he still cannot leave due to inspection failure. yes, i understand team spirit and work responsibility but this case now is totally different from norm! if my subordinate has to take urgent leave to be with his baby delivery, no one should have any objection, let alone he has completed his task.
in spite of my disappointment, joe still dare to ask me for my support. honestly, how can i support him on his delay now? birth hour is not mine to plan, neither is the doc able to predict. all i can say now is i hope baby jeremiah heard what happened to his daddy and stay inside for at least another 2weeks. my edd is 30 Dec, but doc has told me to be prepare for earlier date as this is my first pregnancy. of course i'd wish baby will stay in even after his edd, but this is really not for me to say. *even so, doc also told me the latest to induce is 31st Dec cos i'm diabetic, might have complications if stay longer*
so.. back to joe's delay. i was really counting down the days to have him around, at least i dont have to live my hours under this ambiguous stress. i try to relax as much as i can, try to act natural like other normal expecting mothers, looking forward to baby's hour. the fact remains deep within that i'm scare, i'm stress.. since i'm back in singapore, every baby preparation, every detail is considered, planned and prepared by me alone. besides my meals which has stressed my mum *she is kinda at a loss of what i can eat*, i have put my best in taking care of myself, my baby. perhaps it's my fate that i should face these like single mother - someone which i should be years ago.
just ended skype call with joe.. his offshore assignment has hit a bottleneck and he cant leave the ship soon, which in turn he'd miss his flight to singapore on 5th dec. that will implies i've to stay under this delivery stress longer.. no idea when baby jeremiah will come out; no idea if his daddy will be able to receive him together with me. see, that's why i dare to say i'm a single-mother. i know joe is also in dilemma, he also wishes he could leave now, be here in singapore with me. but reality is that he didnt put his foot down in this assignment. he knew and he has told his team about this delivery, this flight to singapore.. but yet despite completing his assignment, he still cannot leave due to inspection failure. yes, i understand team spirit and work responsibility but this case now is totally different from norm! if my subordinate has to take urgent leave to be with his baby delivery, no one should have any objection, let alone he has completed his task.
in spite of my disappointment, joe still dare to ask me for my support. honestly, how can i support him on his delay now? birth hour is not mine to plan, neither is the doc able to predict. all i can say now is i hope baby jeremiah heard what happened to his daddy and stay inside for at least another 2weeks. my edd is 30 Dec, but doc has told me to be prepare for earlier date as this is my first pregnancy. of course i'd wish baby will stay in even after his edd, but this is really not for me to say. *even so, doc also told me the latest to induce is 31st Dec cos i'm diabetic, might have complications if stay longer*
so.. back to joe's delay. i was really counting down the days to have him around, at least i dont have to live my hours under this ambiguous stress. i try to relax as much as i can, try to act natural like other normal expecting mothers, looking forward to baby's hour. the fact remains deep within that i'm scare, i'm stress.. since i'm back in singapore, every baby preparation, every detail is considered, planned and prepared by me alone. besides my meals which has stressed my mum *she is kinda at a loss of what i can eat*, i have put my best in taking care of myself, my baby. perhaps it's my fate that i should face these like single mother - someone which i should be years ago.
Friday 22 November 2013
34wk - please continue to stay in for another 3weeks
for past days i have been telling myself to update this blog with the joy and anticipation of getting all those baby stuff in place. i've been sorting, washing and folding those tiny clothing, mittens, and socks since his cabinet arrived on 11Nov (Mon), everything seems so in place, and surreal that a baby is really coming into my life. the reality really kicked in when you see these little stuff in place. not to mention, his newborn and small sizes diapers..even my hospital bag is prepared. everything was under my control, single-handedly and that feels good.
till today! woke up with bad dream, had a very very late breakfast and my instinct is always telling me to lie down asap, though i was in marketplace. i managed to come back asap, after the usual maketing and it sure feels good to lie down. my tummy has been so tightened from time to time. the old auntie whom i dont know in the market made it worse by commenting 'you'll be giving birth soon'. for a normal expectant mother, that is a joy comment to hear, but it scared the hell of me! no!! i dont want jeremiah to come out now, not now, not anytime soon! not when his daddy is not in singapore, let alone not contactable in open seas!! *he'll be here in 3weeks' time, please my dear jeremiah, please stay inside till your daddy is here in singapore with us.*
while i was bathing, i really felt worse. so bad cos i'm facing this stress of preterm birth alone, that i actually feel like a single mother! i hate this feeling, i hate joe for not being here now! when i'm facing these stress of pregnancy, these discouraging injections at every meals, where is he? where is he when i need him during pregnancy?! i know he's working very hard on his diving assignments, earning as much as he can while he can. but why am i facing these alone?! why cant i have a normal pregnancy of joy and anticipation, like others do? my baby has not heard his daddy's voice since his hearing has fully developed. i really feel like a single mother. i mean, if i'm really a single mum, so be it - i would have the courage to face these all when i decided to keep baby. but i'm not! yet i feel i am!! i dont have the courage to go through alone!!
till today! woke up with bad dream, had a very very late breakfast and my instinct is always telling me to lie down asap, though i was in marketplace. i managed to come back asap, after the usual maketing and it sure feels good to lie down. my tummy has been so tightened from time to time. the old auntie whom i dont know in the market made it worse by commenting 'you'll be giving birth soon'. for a normal expectant mother, that is a joy comment to hear, but it scared the hell of me! no!! i dont want jeremiah to come out now, not now, not anytime soon! not when his daddy is not in singapore, let alone not contactable in open seas!! *he'll be here in 3weeks' time, please my dear jeremiah, please stay inside till your daddy is here in singapore with us.*
while i was bathing, i really felt worse. so bad cos i'm facing this stress of preterm birth alone, that i actually feel like a single mother! i hate this feeling, i hate joe for not being here now! when i'm facing these stress of pregnancy, these discouraging injections at every meals, where is he? where is he when i need him during pregnancy?! i know he's working very hard on his diving assignments, earning as much as he can while he can. but why am i facing these alone?! why cant i have a normal pregnancy of joy and anticipation, like others do? my baby has not heard his daddy's voice since his hearing has fully developed. i really feel like a single mother. i mean, if i'm really a single mum, so be it - i would have the courage to face these all when i decided to keep baby. but i'm not! yet i feel i am!! i dont have the courage to go through alone!!
Tuesday 5 November 2013
32wk - let the final countdown begins~~
today must be the miraculous day of my pregnancy! i nearly jumped in delight when doc told me my placenta is now in good position for natural delivery!! trust me, i was still counselling myself when i was stepping into the room, telling myself to take things in its stride, cos today is the 'last day' to decide for c-section if placenta is still low lying. i was really bracing myself for the worst, after all the negative updates i've experience in this pregnancy.
yes, i was so happy to know everything is in place for natural delivery!! my little boy is growing well at 1.9kg now. when i saw him sleeping so quietly inside, i cant help telling myself it's all worth it. doc even told me he has a lot of hair (abt 15mm), it was like hitting jackpot for me. i have seen babies with hair - generally not so much hair, but i hope jeremiah will have my genes of thick dark hair. i was born with a lot of hair and have always have thick hair.. unlike joe, baldness has never been in my concern. i just hope this is so for jeremiah too.
honestly i had some questions for doc today.. but this good news (perhaps the only good news since i started following up with this doc) really throw me over the moon. for past 2 months, i have been preparing myself for the c-section delivery - what and how to recover from c-section etc. i really cant tell you how happy i was when i know everything is ready for natural birth. little jeremiah is in his final position, preparing to come out; fluid and placenta are in place; my diabetic is somehow under control.. everything is ready for His timing. the time to push out and see jeremiah in face.
let the final countdown begins~~
yes, i was so happy to know everything is in place for natural delivery!! my little boy is growing well at 1.9kg now. when i saw him sleeping so quietly inside, i cant help telling myself it's all worth it. doc even told me he has a lot of hair (abt 15mm), it was like hitting jackpot for me. i have seen babies with hair - generally not so much hair, but i hope jeremiah will have my genes of thick dark hair. i was born with a lot of hair and have always have thick hair.. unlike joe, baldness has never been in my concern. i just hope this is so for jeremiah too.
honestly i had some questions for doc today.. but this good news (perhaps the only good news since i started following up with this doc) really throw me over the moon. for past 2 months, i have been preparing myself for the c-section delivery - what and how to recover from c-section etc. i really cant tell you how happy i was when i know everything is ready for natural birth. little jeremiah is in his final position, preparing to come out; fluid and placenta are in place; my diabetic is somehow under control.. everything is ready for His timing. the time to push out and see jeremiah in face.
let the final countdown begins~~
Thursday 17 October 2013
29wk - hello insulin
i better post this now, since i'm in good (better) mood today..
since my visit to Dr Peter Hwang yesterday, i have to admit insulin injection does help in improving my mood, despite my fear of direct injection into tummy. *it's almost like 'stabbing' myself, seeing the needle peircing in my skin~* of course, i was disheartened - very disappointed (again) when i didnt pass the control test. for the past 7 days, i tried all ways - changing diet, having meals at intervals and even took really manageable meals but all in vain. despite my efforts, i even lost 1kg which is not acceptable for pregnancy! sigh.. what can i do? i did mention that this pregnancy is NOT easy, totally UNlike those i've known.
i wonder what kind of higher calling does my baby jeremiah have.. cos having him is really not easy~! yes, i'm also too weak to have this pregnancy, but yet it happens. i want the best for him, at least a good clean health record, but yet i keep hitting disappointments with my own body. having jeremiah is such a difficult and unusual process, so his calling better be great~
after staying home for past weeks, i managed to pull myself out under the hot afternoon sun for lunch. initially, i really didnt want to go out, no matter how hard my mind tried to convince the body that i should. firstly, i dont like to eat alone; secondly, i've no idea where or what to eat. eventually i settled for cheap hawker food, even though my mind is suggesting some cafes to eat,rest and relax. yes, i injected my tummy in public hawker center, but i didnt care. hello, when you are diabetic, your priority is more of ensuring your health and your baby, rather than the view of those around you. so what if it's 'not usual', it's not as if i've to strip to inject, it's merely revealing a bit of tummy for injection. nothing else matters when my baby's health is concerned.
anyway, i really should go out every thursday for a tea-time break or something.. something which will cheer me up, after cooping at home all week (including weekends). and yes, remind me to bring my glucose test kit, together with insulin pen, whenever i go out. *i had to rush back within that 2hrs to test my blood!* other than that, if i can, i wish someone could carry my bag for me too - it's getting heavier with necessities such as water, medication and now insulin pen and test kit. i might bring a cabin luggage when i go out.
since my visit to Dr Peter Hwang yesterday, i have to admit insulin injection does help in improving my mood, despite my fear of direct injection into tummy. *it's almost like 'stabbing' myself, seeing the needle peircing in my skin~* of course, i was disheartened - very disappointed (again) when i didnt pass the control test. for the past 7 days, i tried all ways - changing diet, having meals at intervals and even took really manageable meals but all in vain. despite my efforts, i even lost 1kg which is not acceptable for pregnancy! sigh.. what can i do? i did mention that this pregnancy is NOT easy, totally UNlike those i've known.
i wonder what kind of higher calling does my baby jeremiah have.. cos having him is really not easy~! yes, i'm also too weak to have this pregnancy, but yet it happens. i want the best for him, at least a good clean health record, but yet i keep hitting disappointments with my own body. having jeremiah is such a difficult and unusual process, so his calling better be great~
after staying home for past weeks, i managed to pull myself out under the hot afternoon sun for lunch. initially, i really didnt want to go out, no matter how hard my mind tried to convince the body that i should. firstly, i dont like to eat alone; secondly, i've no idea where or what to eat. eventually i settled for cheap hawker food, even though my mind is suggesting some cafes to eat,rest and relax. yes, i injected my tummy in public hawker center, but i didnt care. hello, when you are diabetic, your priority is more of ensuring your health and your baby, rather than the view of those around you. so what if it's 'not usual', it's not as if i've to strip to inject, it's merely revealing a bit of tummy for injection. nothing else matters when my baby's health is concerned.
anyway, i really should go out every thursday for a tea-time break or something.. something which will cheer me up, after cooping at home all week (including weekends). and yes, remind me to bring my glucose test kit, together with insulin pen, whenever i go out. *i had to rush back within that 2hrs to test my blood!* other than that, if i can, i wish someone could carry my bag for me too - it's getting heavier with necessities such as water, medication and now insulin pen and test kit. i might bring a cabin luggage when i go out.
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