17wk - two become one

last saturday, joe went to church alone, even though i'm not in taiwan anymore.. i really thank God for this decision, this act.. because he is so blessed by the message *timely rhema for this time indeed!*, and he even shared with me.. *actually i am so reluctant to hear his recorded audio*

God is indeed watching over me, joe and my family. even though i'm falling into the dark pit of depression, cant hear or cant even hold any faith, He pours His living word into joe who is my half. indeed, we are one flesh - joe and me. when i'm so 'deaf' and hard in heart, God never fails to reach out to me. now being married, joe is my 'open' half. cant help being loved by Abba Father, cant help loving joe.. how can i not love a husband like joe?! i really love him so much now~

i know my baby jeremiah is so loved and will be guided by God. i know God is watching every step of his life, joe's life, my life and our lives. yes, opening myself to God is so hard - it's like facing a vacuum of darkness. but i will never know when and where the helping hand will emerge from darkness. this is case, God uses joe's hand to reach into me. thank you, Jesus~

Date: Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:26:15 +0800
From: joe
Subject: 因為愛你因為你很重要
To: j
今天是很重要的一天
我拿到了第一本屬於我的聖經
我分享了最近的喜樂
我也讓大家一起幫寶寶禱告
我今天的主日吸收到很多很重要的資訊
我也很剛好突然想到錄下來給寶寶聽
於是今天就好像神透過傳道對我們倆祝福
雖然上面寫的都是我
那是因為...我心裡有寶寶

寶寶一直與我同在

你會發現神給我們的祝福都是我們想像不到的

看到事情的光明面

嘲笑我們的困難好嗎

Mark 10:7-8

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 

17wk - a life of burden

i really blew it.. i cried in front of my sister during breakfast..

last night i dreamt of miscarriage.. fell from stairs and bleeding all over.. i tried to push bb back but i cant.. i prayed with more plead than faith. i cried n cried.. it's a horrible dream, yet it hold onto me even when i'm awake. i just broke down.. simply broke down at breakfast table. i didnt know i can turn on so much tears in an instant..

i'm afraid little jeremiah might feel that i dont want him, which is not true, yet i cant help myself. i dont want my bb to feel my depression, yet i cant help it.. jancy was right - being a parent is already a burden by itself, a burden i am so overwhelmed now. i really dont want and never want to be anyone's burden at all. yet, being pregnant i feel like a burden to all. i dont mind my son being a burden cos i want him to know i love him so much, even though my depression is attacking. but i cant take it when i become a burden to anyone, even my loving joe.

jancy says there's always greater power of love which surpass guilt of burden, that's why family is always willing to give, adjust and adapt for one another. perhaps i just cant see this power yet.. something i know i have to work on. indeed God bless me with this pregnancy now, in His perfect timing. perhaps it is i who have to learn to draw strength and courage to go thru it, just like i did during the 2years of depression. perhaps it's another of His tests, when i am weak. the difference is.. this time, where is my faith to even find the tap of His love.

Depression-during-pregnancy

17wk - first wave of depression...

for days i feel very depressed, very discouraged in this family. one may think since mother has gone thru pregnancy, she should know but how wrong it is. instead of at least sympathising, 'you are weak lah' 'so troublesome' are her slogans to me. yes, every pregnancy is different but if she can sympathise with those preg women in her temple community why cant she be so for her own preg daughter. without joe around, i already feel so lost in support. i miss joe,my laogong... everytime i feel so bad physically n emotionally, i tell myself i still have a loving husband who supports me. it comforts me so much when we finally skype at night.. i wish we have not been separated. every discomfort, every hunger, my joe will always be with me to go thru it. pregnancy is not easy for me, i dont expect everyone to understand or even feel my discomfort,but at least dont stab me when i'm trying to be strong for joe, for my baby. so often now, i am so tempted to not to have baby.. every night i cried myself to sleep.. i dont want depression to attack,but i really feel so depressed in this family.

16wk - arrived in sg.. to realize i'm overweight

times flies when i m back in sg.. everything happened so fast (and efficiently) that the few days with my loving joe seems to fly by. before i know, he had to leave to return to taiwan for work.. it'll be 4-5months later for our reunion. i really miss my laogong.. thinking back, even though he's only here for 5days, he *not 'we' cos he was the only one doing* actually had done a lot of transformations to my room! upon arrival, we managed to make a short trip to babyfair; looked for new bed *i'm surprised the purchase was so smooth and quick decision despite first shop*; cleared my wardrode and bookshelf; collected his work equipment; went to see sg gynecologist (who happened to be my very first gyn.. that's years ago lah); and transformed my room from 'my' room into 'our' room. so much has done in few days.. so much so that everything in this room now has his presence and efforts.. reminds me of him even more.. i miss him even
ok now.. back to the little one - it's 90% confirmed to be little boy. a very active boy who keeps moving around in my womb, making it so hard to get proper clear scan. but i thank God for dr henry cheng - he's such a dear gynecologist who can tease and joke with me. i am so relived that his chinese is as good as his english too, so  can understand. all in all, i feel so comfortable with dr henri can trust him. when he told me i'm overweight, i was shocked yet thrilled! the term overweight has never been in my dictionary, yet i am now!! hahaaa.. thanks for my little boss' every 2hrs meals. after gyn's clarification, it turns out to be my high gastric acid rather than his hunger..heehee he's just a scapegoat till now. i have to control my meals frequency now, even though i'm pleased with this overweight at 47kg. *i wonder why taiwan gyn didnt explain to me*

so, jeremiah, mummy has to reduce meals frequency now.. but i promise daddy to take care of you, and i will. be good insde, and grow healthily.

15wk - so.. this is the mythical 2nd trimester feeling

i think i m beginning to understand what's hipe of second trimester is about cos i feel my energy is higher these days despite my home alone boredom. at least i feel better when walking.

believe it or not, i didnt feel as afraid when i went for gyn checkup last night. lying on the bed used to bring fear n doubts but yesterday i know everything will be alright, no more shivers. indeed, God is good. my little baby is actively growing well inside me. perhaps he's not in good mood, that's why he's sleeping downwards - difficult to see his face. but i see his little hands n a bit of his legs... his spine bone is growing well.. n a little tummy. he really like to move around, so much so it's even harder to see a proper scan. but i thank God for the gyn last night *not the infamous busy gyn* he really took more time to scan around n explain what is what. anyway, since thatnwas the last gyn checkup in taiwan, i shall not harp further about the doc.

i really looking forward to fly back to singapore, even askee my mum to prepare chingteng dessert. the only sadness is joe wont be around me in singapore, i will have to be fully independent as a mother, work towards our family reunion when duedate is near.

after seeing little jeremiah, i know i have to provide for him... i m a mother now.

14wk - start of 2nd trimester.. finally

congratulations~ i finally feel what it's like to be sleepy during pregnancy *i guess the baby is starting to use my energy* i find myself waking up later and later and even unwilling to get up. perhaps it's the toilet breaks and thirsting for water at night, which however is less often than initial. perhaps it's the prompt waking at 5am which disturbs my sleep.. whatever it is, i just cant wake up at 9am anymore.. another 10mins is my morning plead.

there's another thing.. i m starting to see trend of less hunger.. usually the baby will crave, i mean really crave, for food between 2-5pm, but since last saturday he doesnt seem to crave, even after light lunch. ok, i'm glad i dont need to keep stuffing myself with food, yet i worry about this change. is my baby jeremiah growing well inside? the last gynecologist appointment was last friday, and everything is good and normal. this change started on saturday.. oh God, why so.. as much as i try not to think too much, believing he's still growing well and strong inside, i cant deny that worry. i still try to eat my normal meals, and pleased to hear my burps which indicates my baby is satisfied. i still try to stuff some snacks, especially fruits, between 2-5pm.

and, there's this itchness which caused me to worry but bacteria infection. i really didnt know what to do except to wash with saline water and pray like never before. bacteria has always been one of my fear list - what you cannot see can kill you. when this happened, i really feared for my baby inside, prayed like no other despite my weak faith. i know and i know my baby will grow well. Amen.

when my cg members came to visit me *cos joe is on assignment away from home*, i am really thankful for their company. suddenly this house is able to host some woman chat, and that pleases me. with their encouragement and care, i know my God is watching over us, over my baby. yes, there're times i feel so faithless, so weak to even believe He's actually here with us, but i cant deny He IS here with me. there're also some signs and co-incidents that are trying to provoke my fire for the Bible too. if it's not God, who would arrange so?