39wk - different kind of advent

today is week39... i never thought baby jeremiah will still be inside my tummy at this week~ many has told me that first baby usually delivered at week37-38, but my little guy has decided to stay in longer.. so long that i'm beginning to worry if my diabetics will affect him.

a bit of background since i've not logged for some time. joe managed to arrive in Singapore in week37. since then, we have taken a lot of adjustments (joe will be residing in Singapore for at least 3 months~) in space arrangements. baby cot is finally set up, baby amenities and supplies are stocked up.. everything is ready for little jeremiah whom we expected to deliver last week.. in vain.

since week38 had gone past, my 'irritating' family decided to place bets on his birth dates. so far, the bet lost has amounted to $160. seriously, this is how silly human can be when you are merely waiting for time, the time, to come. cos of the tummy weight, joe has decided to ground me at home. honestly, i agree it's super tiring to walk in week39 cos of the weight, but it's also Christmas week!! how i want to be enjoying some tea or coffee, soaking myself in Christmas mood, after being deprived of Christmas shopping. but for sake of jeremiah, i guess it just have to be so.

yes God, my prayer is to have jeremiah at full term, but now it's about time to deliver him into this world safely, as a healthy and cheerful baby boy. this few days, perhaps??

35wk - joe is stuck, so am i

just want to blog this, before my disappointment affects baby jeremiah..

just ended skype call with joe.. his offshore assignment has hit a bottleneck and he cant leave the ship soon, which in turn he'd miss his flight to singapore on 5th dec. that will implies i've to stay under this delivery stress longer.. no idea when baby jeremiah will come out; no idea if his daddy will be able to receive him together with me. see, that's why i dare to say i'm a single-mother. i know joe is also in dilemma, he also wishes he could leave now, be here in singapore with me. but reality is that he didnt put his foot down in this assignment. he knew and he has told his team about this delivery, this flight to singapore.. but yet despite completing his assignment, he still cannot leave due to inspection failure. yes, i understand team spirit and work responsibility but this case now is totally different from norm! if my subordinate has to take urgent leave to be with his baby delivery, no one should have any objection, let alone he has completed his task.

in spite of my disappointment, joe still dare to ask me for my support. honestly, how can i support him on his delay now? birth hour is not mine to plan, neither is the doc able to predict. all i can say now is i hope baby jeremiah heard what happened to his daddy and stay inside for at least another 2weeks. my edd is 30 Dec, but doc has told me to be prepare for earlier date as this is my first pregnancy. of course i'd wish baby will stay in even after his edd, but this is really not for me to say. *even so, doc also told me the latest to induce is 31st Dec cos i'm diabetic, might have complications if stay longer*

so.. back to joe's delay. i was really counting down the days to have him around, at least i dont have to live my hours under this ambiguous stress. i try to relax as much as i can, try to act natural like other normal expecting mothers, looking forward to baby's hour. the fact remains deep within that i'm scare, i'm stress.. since i'm back in singapore, every baby preparation, every detail is considered, planned and prepared by me  alone. besides my meals which has stressed my mum *she is kinda at a loss of what i can eat*, i have put my best in taking care of myself, my baby. perhaps it's my fate that i should face these like single mother - someone which i should be years ago.

34wk - please continue to stay in for another 3weeks

for past days i have been telling myself to update this blog with the joy and anticipation of getting all those baby stuff in place. i've been sorting, washing and folding those tiny clothing, mittens, and socks since his cabinet arrived on 11Nov (Mon), everything seems so in place, and surreal that a baby is really coming into my life. the reality really kicked in when you see these little stuff in place. not to mention, his newborn and small sizes diapers..even my hospital bag is prepared. everything was under my control, single-handedly and that feels good.

till today! woke up with bad dream, had a very very late breakfast and my instinct is always telling me to lie down asap, though i was in marketplace. i managed to come back asap, after the usual maketing and it sure feels good to lie down. my tummy has been so tightened from time to time. the old auntie whom i dont know in the market made it worse by commenting 'you'll be giving birth soon'. for a normal expectant mother, that is a joy comment to hear, but it scared the hell of me! no!! i dont want jeremiah to come out now, not now, not anytime soon! not when his daddy is not in singapore, let alone not contactable in open seas!! *he'll be here in 3weeks' time, please my dear jeremiah, please stay inside till your daddy is here in singapore with us.*

while i was bathing, i really felt worse. so bad cos i'm facing this stress of preterm birth alone, that i actually feel like a single mother! i hate this feeling, i hate joe for not being here now! when i'm facing these stress of pregnancy, these discouraging injections at every meals, where is he? where is he when i need him during pregnancy?! i know he's working very hard on his diving assignments, earning as much as he can while he can. but why am i facing these alone?! why cant i have a normal pregnancy of joy and anticipation, like others do? my baby has not heard his daddy's voice since his hearing has fully developed. i really feel like a single mother. i mean, if i'm really a single mum, so be it - i would have the courage to face these all when i decided to keep baby. but i'm not! yet i feel i am!! i dont have the courage to go through alone!!

32wk - let the final countdown begins~~

today must be the miraculous day of my pregnancy! i nearly jumped in delight when doc told me my placenta is now in good position for natural delivery!! trust me, i was still counselling myself when i was stepping into the room, telling myself to take things in its stride, cos today is the 'last day' to decide for c-section if  placenta is still low lying. i was really bracing myself for the worst, after all the negative updates i've experience in this pregnancy.

yes, i was so happy to know everything is in place for natural delivery!! my little boy is growing well at 1.9kg now. when i saw him sleeping so quietly inside, i cant help telling myself it's all worth it. doc even told me he has a lot of hair (abt 15mm), it was like hitting jackpot for me. i have seen babies with hair - generally not so much hair, but i hope jeremiah will have my genes of thick dark hair. i was born with a lot of hair and have always have thick hair.. unlike joe, baldness has never been in my concern. i just hope this is so for jeremiah too.

honestly i had some questions for doc today.. but this good news (perhaps the only good news since i started following up with this doc) really throw me over the moon. for past 2 months, i have been preparing myself for the c-section delivery - what and how to recover from c-section etc. i really cant tell you how happy i was when i know everything is ready for natural birth. little jeremiah is in his final position, preparing to come out; fluid and placenta are in place; my diabetic is somehow under control.. everything is ready for His timing. the time to push out and see jeremiah in face.

let the final countdown begins~~

29wk - hello insulin

i better post this now, since i'm in good (better) mood today..

since my visit to Dr Peter Hwang yesterday, i have to admit insulin injection does help in improving my mood, despite my fear of direct injection into tummy. *it's almost like 'stabbing' myself, seeing the needle peircing in my skin~* of course, i was disheartened - very disappointed (again) when i didnt pass the control test. for the past 7 days, i tried all ways - changing diet, having meals at intervals and even took really manageable meals but all in vain. despite my efforts, i even lost 1kg which is not acceptable for pregnancy! sigh.. what can i do? i did mention that this pregnancy is NOT easy, totally UNlike those i've known.

i wonder what kind of higher calling does my baby jeremiah have.. cos having him is really not easy~! yes, i'm also too weak to have this pregnancy, but yet it happens. i want the best for him, at least a good clean health record, but yet i keep hitting disappointments with my own body. having jeremiah is such a difficult and unusual process, so his calling better be great~

after staying home for past weeks, i managed to pull myself out under the hot afternoon sun for lunch. initially, i really didnt want to go out, no matter how hard my mind tried to convince the body that i should. firstly, i dont like to eat alone; secondly, i've no idea where or what to eat. eventually i settled for cheap hawker food, even though my mind is suggesting some cafes to eat,rest and relax. yes, i injected my tummy in public hawker center, but i didnt care. hello, when you are diabetic, your priority is more of ensuring your health and your baby, rather than the view of those around you. so what if it's 'not usual', it's not as if i've to strip to inject, it's merely revealing a bit of tummy for injection. nothing else matters when my baby's health is concerned.

anyway, i really should go out every thursday for a tea-time break or something.. something which will cheer me up, after cooping at home all week (including weekends). and yes, remind me to bring my glucose test kit, together with insulin pen, whenever i go out. *i had to rush back within that 2hrs to test my blood!* other than that, if i can, i wish someone could carry my bag for me too - it's getting heavier with necessities such as water, medication and now insulin pen and test kit. i might bring a cabin luggage when i go out.

28wk - Gestational diabetes

gestational diabetes.. yes, doc tells me most women with gestational diabetes don't remain diabetic after the baby is born. But the part he chose to miss out is once you've had gestational diabetes, you're at higher risk for getting it again in future pregnancy and for developing diabetes later in life. 

i know i'm at high risk of diabetes cos of my family medical history, but even so.. all these years i've quit my sweet tooth and been controlling my sugar intake - be it starch or sugar. it's a hard slap on my face that i'll still in high risk diabetic during pregnancy and old age. yes, it's good that i'm diagnosed at early stage now, but it's harder to control with pregnancy now! i have to provide for jeremiah yet i have to specially control my diet. 

cant help sighing.. why is my pregnancy so difficult?!! yes, it's God-bless but.. so many downs and 'negative' news!! i could take it then, cos joe was with me at the gyn visit. but now that he's returned to taiwan, i'm alone to manage this problem. .. i'm not even sure how to control, esp i've already been controlling all these years..  

all i pray is whatever sickness or illness, let it stop at me.. dont pass it on to little jeremiah. he will grow into a healthy person, with no such 'family medical history'.. in Jesus' Name, i pray. 

27wk - look forward to tomorrow

nothing usual - i guess my down emotions has kinda drained out by now, that i can see things in better perspective. or perhaps it's due to the fact that joe is coming for a week tomorrow, i finally have a husband by my side during this pregnancy, even though it's only 6days.

as day goes by, little jeremiah is adjusting himself inside with his moves and kicks, i kinda wonder if december will come sooner than i thought. suddenly i was able to give some kind of advice to delia who just pregnant (after a painful ordeal), i was kinda surprise to realise i've actually come this far with my difficult pregnancy. i guess at this rate, jeremiah will be in my arms very soon. gosh, will it be another depressing attack of worrying and taking care of him??

i'm not sure if my placenta has moved up..or is it still lying low. but in whichever the case, i know jeremiah is a sure-happen thing now. no matter how disappointing my body is, little jeremiah will still be born and i have to embark into another role in life. nursing him, and might even miss him so much while adjusting into a new job. i have never miss anyone when i travel abroad, i wonder how is this missing will be in future.

yes, a lot to prepare for his arrival. but i can finally take comfort that i will be seeing joe tomorrow - to discuss in person, to decide and to plan... at least for the next 6 days, i wont be alone facing those stress; at least i'd have someone to go out with, out of this 4walls of house.

25wk - tired yet masked

maybe few months of insomnia is having its toil on me, maybe it's starting of another depression.. whichever i am not feeling any happy for past 2 weeks. yes, the placenta issue is gripping on me, so down that i kinda resigned that i wont be able to give baby jeremiah a full-term delivery. ok, so be it. perhaps it's the after delivery stress i'm facing now.. anticipating the stress of recovery, the stress of dealing my mom's expectation and her methods of recovery. i know she means well, everyone in the family means well.. but i really just want to be alone, i dont want to face or talk to anyone. it's so hard putting on a 'i'm ok' mask, when i know i'm not really ok.

i know it's my body which i have to blame, not my poor baby - a gift from God. but i have no courage, no strength to provide for him, afterall my body has been displaying its limitations these days esp in emotions. at this rate i'm masking, i really dont know when the full-blown attack will come.

who can i turn to? God - whom i have absolutely no faith in now?? joe - whom wont understand and is not around now??? yes, i know he's earning hard, very hard to provide for our future.. so hard that i think he'll be happier if we had not married. i know he will endure (he's good in his work ethnic, so good that he can compromise himself just to bring home earnings), i know he loves me.. but when i need someone now, he's not around and what's the use of messaging him anyway, knowing he knows yet he doesnt understand.

i'm so tired.. alone i am facing the pressure at home, alone i am facing all the disappointments of myself, alone i am facing the discomforts - physically and emotionally. i'm so tired.. that i actually thought of dying for past days.. if only i dont have little jeremiah inside me, i really too tired to live on now..

no, i'm not talking to jeremiah about this, but he kinda feel it too since he's inside. i'm sorry, my dear, i cant keep up with the emotional strength - the joy, the anticipation, the stress.. i just pray God will take care of you inside, despite the constant suicidal flashes in my mind. mummy is just too tired now..

24wk - placenta, please move up

today must be the most tiring day of my pregnancy. i was out for breakfast at 9.30am, received a sudden call from eirene for lunch (right after i gulped down my breakfast tea). the lunch date amazingly lasted for nearly 6hrs from 11.30am! it's incredible how much we can chat (not gossip) though we kinda meet uo=p every month. anyway, i'm glad to be out.. having such 'tai-tai' life. by the time she sent me back home, it's 5pm and i had to leave at 5.30pm for another gathering with ex-colleagues, which had just ended at 10.30pm. what a day of eating.. i practically didnt stop muching, eating from 9.30am.

yes, physically i am tired. i guess my battery went drastically flat at 9.30pm when i started to lose concentration. it was good day. but somehow behind my greeting face, my mind is occupied with the results from tuesday gyn visit - low lying placenta. ever since last tuesday's checkup, i cant help feeling down again. in fact, when gyn told me what's low lying placenta is about and its complications, my spirit went so so down. i've always wanted a smooth natural full-term delivery. not bcos it's good for confinement recovery, but i want to have a feel of 'painful' motherhood, to really feel for my delivery. and of course, i wanted it full-term so that little jeremiah will have all organs in complete functions, esp lungs. i really hope the best health start for jeremiah. i didnt have a healthy lungs since young, hence asthmatic. so i really want little jeremiah to be in perfect health as newborn, at least a good healthy base to start his life. so, this placenta news is really weighing me down down no matter how i tried to pray and leave it to God. if this placenta doesnt move up, i wont be able to have natural delivery, let alone full-term. if i cant endure the pain of natural before going into cesarean, i would resigned to it, at least baby is full-term labour. the last thing i want for jeremiah is pre-term, where his lungs are not ready for air yet. it hurts me as a mother, just to think of that. it's my body which cant seem to facilitate his healthy growth.. something i wont be able to forgive myself. yes, baby jeremiah is growing healthy inside, playing with his hands during the scan.. it's my body, my placenta.. i am so disappointed with my body yet all i can do now is to pray and hope it'll rise to better position for natural birth.

oh God, please... You know i'm faithless, You know my prayer is weak with all those 'i want'.. but.. i really squeezing my every ounce of faith to lift my placenta concern onto You. joe has more faith than i do; if it helps, i hope You'll take in account of his faith and answer our prayer for placenta to rise, for smooth natural full-term delivery. i'm sorry i'm faithless, please forgive me and grant me a full-term delivery with natural birth. amen.

21wk - i'm sorry, jeremiah

i am feeling depressed past days.. very depressed..

it's sad to know i am not able to buy new clothes and new baby stuff for my first born (perhaps only child) jeremiah.. from one who earns S$5000 per month, now i've to look everywhere to save - my own social expenditure, my baby's preparation expenses.. cos joe is now only earning S$1500 (after conversion from taiwan income). i feel so bad that i cant even buy nice new stuff for my jeremiah.. i even begin to doubt if it's a right decision to bring him into this world, when i'm not financially independent.

i've nothing against reusing baby stuff.. i welcome them as blessings from others. nevertheless, it hurts me so much that i cant even buy that nice baby romper or baby stroller /cot for jeremiah. what kind of mother am i?

besides that, it hurts to plan and go through all these preparation myself.. it reminds me of my wedding where i have to take care of every details, as if i'm desperate to marry off.. i dont like my wedding. i dont want to have this feeling for jeremiah.. but i cant help it. it seems i'm the one doing, searching, and planning everything here.. esp with the need to save and maximise economical value, my family even think i'm miser. how to tell them that jow is only earning $1500 now - lowest salary by singapore's standard, even my old aged mum earns more than him, and my show-off sister keeps telling people i'm miser.. when i was earning $5000 ididnt have to thin much on spending on things i like, for people i like.. let alone my baby jeremiah.. i feel so ashamed, so bad that i cant provide him properly.. when others are happily shopping and planning for newborn, i've to think and search for ways to help him survive.. what kind of mother i am..

i really want to provide for you, jeremiah.. but i'm sorry.. i cant afford now.. 

21wk - joy of pregnancy

if you tell me to 'enjoy pregnancy' few weeks ago, i will sure give u a 'are you kidding' look. how to enjoy with all the worries (esp the more information you read from internet) and the uncomfortable uneasy sleeping positions? but now, i think i'm beginning to understand what is the joy of pregnancy, esp when you know when the little one inside is awake and exercising. and of course, the uncomfortable weight is gone so i can walk normally (not as fast as before though).

joy of pregnancy.. i guess this is what it is. i am beginning to enjoy pregnancy as they say i should. my joy comes at week 20/21, perhaps a little later than they experienced. anyway, i'm really enjoying this balloon tummy and ease of walking. ok, the only part i'm still struggling is controlling my weight gain. honestly, it's still on the excessive gain, no matter how i 'diet'. you know, pregnant women is not allowed to be on 'slimming' diet. despite my efforts on 'control' diet, i'm still gaining more than i should. i am beginning to suspect it's the 1kg of food waste stored inside, due to constipation. really! when i'm finally able to let out those waste, i'm always excited to weigh myself to see this 1kg reduction. 1kg of waste due to constipation! how gross (amazing) our body can be.

did i tell you little jeremiah is one who knows when to ask for food? he'll kick (or move around) more when it's near lunch, dinner and little supper time. oh, and also when he hears his daddy's voice over skype. this little one is sensible (esp in food) - like father like son. joe is also very strict in his meal times - he really needs to eat when it's his routine meal time. amazing how this father and son are so alike, even though they have not met in person. the poor mummy (ie yours truly) will have to adhere to these timings, lest their hunger temper blow. little jeremiah.. you are so cute ^_^

19wk - financial crunch

today i feel so alone.. lonely.. not depressing enough for depression attack, but i guess i'm near the edge. 

cant help thinking how 'non-contributing' i am now - nothing to do at home except watching tv, sleeping and eating. even taking offend when my arrogant sister commented why my mum has to cook all day. *as if i'd demand her to!* .. starting to miss having joe and having our own place, our own pace of living. trust me, if financial allows, i'd rather move out on my own to have my own family - raising my baby without the vulgarity influence of arrogant and crude sister. whenever i visit my friends who have their own apartment, i really wish i could be the same.. i miss my own family, own family space.

i miss joe now.. to know he's working really hard in taiwan, in hope to save some money for us (mother and son) in singapore, really hurts my heart. whenever i see him skipping or scrimping meals, settling on instant noodles, it's like a stabbing reminder of how this decision to return singapore affects us. making things worse, this decision was mainly my idea, my determination. i always feel so remorseful on this decision - separation my loving joe from me and jeremiah. yet, i know i've been thru taiwan life home alone - worrying joe who needs constant concentration at work. i know i cant have best of both worlds, i know i have to fight this thinking away. 

financially, i worry about expenditure in singapore. i'm not able to work (who would employ pregnant woman now?) hence i'm trying very hard not to spend money by staying at home. even when i have this eye infection since yesterday, i still choose to pray and hope it'll heal by itself, instead of visiting the doctor for ointment. *is this the first taste if parenthood, which i heard from some friends that they didnt dare to go for doctor when sick?* coming in my face on tuesday, there's a gyn package payment of S$1000. the last time i checked my bank account, it's just about S$1000.. i dont want to touch my emergency money (not much though) cos purchase of baby furniture and supplies will be another sum up coming. looking at my stagnant balance with only outflow, i really need a financial miracle soon. not to mention, my friends are already starting to wonder why didnt i ask them out, since i've been back for a month now. gathering will mean another expenditure which i cannot afford now. God, i really need a financial miracle blessing~!

18wk - so, this is quickening feeling

thanks be to God ^~^ at exactly noon today, i felt a little pop from my tummy.. just a gentle pop feeling. under the noise of kids at schoolhouse, this pop was n is really a surprise! at first i tot it's my hunger, but wait, i'm not hungry, not esp after a fattening sweet cupcake. so, this must be it! my little jeremiah is moving inside, when he heard all the kids playing n running around me. he must have wanted to play with them! i'm thrilled, so happy! so, this is how quickening feels like. it's not the 'butterfly' feeling as wendy shared *i'm also wondering if she really feeling hers, or just following what her pregnancy book says* kinda glad that i'm not into those pregnancy books, cos the info scared the hell of me with those complications. i am a lazy mum, emotional - yes, but i'm trying to let God does His work of protecting baby jeremiah. anyway, that was the best pop assurance ever! a little nudge,just like air bubble pop.

that was just once this afternoon... i was waiting but nothing felt after that. till my neighbour's boy cried at 10.15pm.. there, the pop came again. oh, so my boy wants to play with kids. when he hears kid screams, he will move.. perhaps to play with them, perhaps to tell them to silence so he can sleep. haahaaa all in all, i'm so looking forward to more poppings.



p/s: i dint share w joe, though.  i guess u can say i'm throwing tantrum cos he promised to read a story to baby via skype, but he returned home drunk~!! i'm still so upset about it..

17wk - two become one

last saturday, joe went to church alone, even though i'm not in taiwan anymore.. i really thank God for this decision, this act.. because he is so blessed by the message *timely rhema for this time indeed!*, and he even shared with me.. *actually i am so reluctant to hear his recorded audio*

God is indeed watching over me, joe and my family. even though i'm falling into the dark pit of depression, cant hear or cant even hold any faith, He pours His living word into joe who is my half. indeed, we are one flesh - joe and me. when i'm so 'deaf' and hard in heart, God never fails to reach out to me. now being married, joe is my 'open' half. cant help being loved by Abba Father, cant help loving joe.. how can i not love a husband like joe?! i really love him so much now~

i know my baby jeremiah is so loved and will be guided by God. i know God is watching every step of his life, joe's life, my life and our lives. yes, opening myself to God is so hard - it's like facing a vacuum of darkness. but i will never know when and where the helping hand will emerge from darkness. this is case, God uses joe's hand to reach into me. thank you, Jesus~

Date: Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:26:15 +0800
From: joe
Subject: 因為愛你因為你很重要
To: j
今天是很重要的一天
我拿到了第一本屬於我的聖經
我分享了最近的喜樂
我也讓大家一起幫寶寶禱告
我今天的主日吸收到很多很重要的資訊
我也很剛好突然想到錄下來給寶寶聽
於是今天就好像神透過傳道對我們倆祝福
雖然上面寫的都是我
那是因為...我心裡有寶寶

寶寶一直與我同在

你會發現神給我們的祝福都是我們想像不到的

看到事情的光明面

嘲笑我們的困難好嗎

Mark 10:7-8

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 

17wk - a life of burden

i really blew it.. i cried in front of my sister during breakfast..

last night i dreamt of miscarriage.. fell from stairs and bleeding all over.. i tried to push bb back but i cant.. i prayed with more plead than faith. i cried n cried.. it's a horrible dream, yet it hold onto me even when i'm awake. i just broke down.. simply broke down at breakfast table. i didnt know i can turn on so much tears in an instant..

i'm afraid little jeremiah might feel that i dont want him, which is not true, yet i cant help myself. i dont want my bb to feel my depression, yet i cant help it.. jancy was right - being a parent is already a burden by itself, a burden i am so overwhelmed now. i really dont want and never want to be anyone's burden at all. yet, being pregnant i feel like a burden to all. i dont mind my son being a burden cos i want him to know i love him so much, even though my depression is attacking. but i cant take it when i become a burden to anyone, even my loving joe.

jancy says there's always greater power of love which surpass guilt of burden, that's why family is always willing to give, adjust and adapt for one another. perhaps i just cant see this power yet.. something i know i have to work on. indeed God bless me with this pregnancy now, in His perfect timing. perhaps it is i who have to learn to draw strength and courage to go thru it, just like i did during the 2years of depression. perhaps it's another of His tests, when i am weak. the difference is.. this time, where is my faith to even find the tap of His love.

Depression-during-pregnancy

17wk - first wave of depression...

for days i feel very depressed, very discouraged in this family. one may think since mother has gone thru pregnancy, she should know but how wrong it is. instead of at least sympathising, 'you are weak lah' 'so troublesome' are her slogans to me. yes, every pregnancy is different but if she can sympathise with those preg women in her temple community why cant she be so for her own preg daughter. without joe around, i already feel so lost in support. i miss joe,my laogong... everytime i feel so bad physically n emotionally, i tell myself i still have a loving husband who supports me. it comforts me so much when we finally skype at night.. i wish we have not been separated. every discomfort, every hunger, my joe will always be with me to go thru it. pregnancy is not easy for me, i dont expect everyone to understand or even feel my discomfort,but at least dont stab me when i'm trying to be strong for joe, for my baby. so often now, i am so tempted to not to have baby.. every night i cried myself to sleep.. i dont want depression to attack,but i really feel so depressed in this family.

16wk - arrived in sg.. to realize i'm overweight

times flies when i m back in sg.. everything happened so fast (and efficiently) that the few days with my loving joe seems to fly by. before i know, he had to leave to return to taiwan for work.. it'll be 4-5months later for our reunion. i really miss my laogong.. thinking back, even though he's only here for 5days, he *not 'we' cos he was the only one doing* actually had done a lot of transformations to my room! upon arrival, we managed to make a short trip to babyfair; looked for new bed *i'm surprised the purchase was so smooth and quick decision despite first shop*; cleared my wardrode and bookshelf; collected his work equipment; went to see sg gynecologist (who happened to be my very first gyn.. that's years ago lah); and transformed my room from 'my' room into 'our' room. so much has done in few days.. so much so that everything in this room now has his presence and efforts.. reminds me of him even more.. i miss him even
ok now.. back to the little one - it's 90% confirmed to be little boy. a very active boy who keeps moving around in my womb, making it so hard to get proper clear scan. but i thank God for dr henry cheng - he's such a dear gynecologist who can tease and joke with me. i am so relived that his chinese is as good as his english too, so  can understand. all in all, i feel so comfortable with dr henri can trust him. when he told me i'm overweight, i was shocked yet thrilled! the term overweight has never been in my dictionary, yet i am now!! hahaaa.. thanks for my little boss' every 2hrs meals. after gyn's clarification, it turns out to be my high gastric acid rather than his hunger..heehee he's just a scapegoat till now. i have to control my meals frequency now, even though i'm pleased with this overweight at 47kg. *i wonder why taiwan gyn didnt explain to me*

so, jeremiah, mummy has to reduce meals frequency now.. but i promise daddy to take care of you, and i will. be good insde, and grow healthily.

15wk - so.. this is the mythical 2nd trimester feeling

i think i m beginning to understand what's hipe of second trimester is about cos i feel my energy is higher these days despite my home alone boredom. at least i feel better when walking.

believe it or not, i didnt feel as afraid when i went for gyn checkup last night. lying on the bed used to bring fear n doubts but yesterday i know everything will be alright, no more shivers. indeed, God is good. my little baby is actively growing well inside me. perhaps he's not in good mood, that's why he's sleeping downwards - difficult to see his face. but i see his little hands n a bit of his legs... his spine bone is growing well.. n a little tummy. he really like to move around, so much so it's even harder to see a proper scan. but i thank God for the gyn last night *not the infamous busy gyn* he really took more time to scan around n explain what is what. anyway, since thatnwas the last gyn checkup in taiwan, i shall not harp further about the doc.

i really looking forward to fly back to singapore, even askee my mum to prepare chingteng dessert. the only sadness is joe wont be around me in singapore, i will have to be fully independent as a mother, work towards our family reunion when duedate is near.

after seeing little jeremiah, i know i have to provide for him... i m a mother now.

14wk - start of 2nd trimester.. finally

congratulations~ i finally feel what it's like to be sleepy during pregnancy *i guess the baby is starting to use my energy* i find myself waking up later and later and even unwilling to get up. perhaps it's the toilet breaks and thirsting for water at night, which however is less often than initial. perhaps it's the prompt waking at 5am which disturbs my sleep.. whatever it is, i just cant wake up at 9am anymore.. another 10mins is my morning plead.

there's another thing.. i m starting to see trend of less hunger.. usually the baby will crave, i mean really crave, for food between 2-5pm, but since last saturday he doesnt seem to crave, even after light lunch. ok, i'm glad i dont need to keep stuffing myself with food, yet i worry about this change. is my baby jeremiah growing well inside? the last gynecologist appointment was last friday, and everything is good and normal. this change started on saturday.. oh God, why so.. as much as i try not to think too much, believing he's still growing well and strong inside, i cant deny that worry. i still try to eat my normal meals, and pleased to hear my burps which indicates my baby is satisfied. i still try to stuff some snacks, especially fruits, between 2-5pm.

and, there's this itchness which caused me to worry but bacteria infection. i really didnt know what to do except to wash with saline water and pray like never before. bacteria has always been one of my fear list - what you cannot see can kill you. when this happened, i really feared for my baby inside, prayed like no other despite my weak faith. i know and i know my baby will grow well. Amen.

when my cg members came to visit me *cos joe is on assignment away from home*, i am really thankful for their company. suddenly this house is able to host some woman chat, and that pleases me. with their encouragement and care, i know my God is watching over us, over my baby. yes, there're times i feel so faithless, so weak to even believe He's actually here with us, but i cant deny He IS here with me. there're also some signs and co-incidents that are trying to provoke my fire for the Bible too. if it's not God, who would arrange so?

12wk - just an update

still the same.. agony of pregnancy. hungry every 2hrs yet no appetite.. full of energy yet nothing to do.. honestly i have been playing bingo games so often that i'm so bored yet i know i cant let go..  meal delivery this week looks better that last week - i've been eating SAME FOOD for whole of last week, no variety at all.. but i still managed to force some of it down into my throat. *so proud of myself*

i'm in my 12th week by now.. stabilizing, less pain, less freq urination.

12wk - agony of eating

it's hard getting the 'right' food into your mouth when you are pregnant. as much as i'm not really used to the lack of variety in taiwanese food, my little one is even more picky in food taste. fyi, kaohsiung is not as cosmopolitian as taipei where more food variety is; here mostly are braised food cos anything can be braised in dark soya sauce and goes well with rice. as much as i tried to live by all the braised stuff, my little jeremiah is stubborn against fish soup. the smell of fish really puts off any appetite at once, leaving me helpless but to force myself to eat whatever i can in order to provide some nutrients.

i have never thought eating could be such an obligation till now.. u know you must eat something yet your mouth n taste just refuse to obey willingly. yes, you can suggest having fruits, but strange enough, fruits variety in taiwan is fewer (and more expensive) than singapore. anyway, i have to be careful with fruits cos fruitose is causing some bloatings n discomfort... sigh. can the 40weeks be over soon? it's only 11weeks n 5days today ....

11wk - i've gained weight!!

to those who dont know me - it's easier for me to lose weight in days, rather than gaining. everyone i know has embarked on this 'help janet gain weight' project but resulted failure. yes, i could eat but the moment i hit stress, my weight will drop by 1-2kg in just few days. there goes their months of effort on gaining.

now that i'm pregnant, i'm so worried that jeremiah wont get enough nutrition cos i cant seem to eat enough for myself, let alone for two persons. on the last consultation, i lost weight from 43kg to 42kg in difference of 5days! my panick button was activated - besides fastfood and 'supposedly' healthy subway, what else can i eat without moving around? confinement meal delivery rejected my order cos their meals consist of chinese herbal which is not suitable for pre-nascence. omg, what shall i do??... no maid, no one to cook for me while joe is at work; and i need the nutrients~! this is the agony of home alone+bedbound pregnancy..

in midst of our worry, joe managed to come up with the idea of asking the food store downstairs to arrange simple meals delivery. though the idea was great, i really didnt have much hope cos it's not common for people in business to go beyond their line of products, just to cater to one customer, and let alone delivery. but to my surprise, they agree!! since this monday (10th June), i finally had my first taste of simple home-cooked meal! ever since i've been in kaohsiung, no takeaway could satisfy the craving of simple home-cooked food. *i really miss mum's cooking, no matter how rojak it is* i really thank God for this amazing arrangement - it's totally out of ordinary expectation. i'm very very touched by the lady's boss understanding and compassion on my situation. frankly, my heart was so so so full of gladness and thanksgiving when the first meal arrived. i was just so so touched.

well, that settled my eating problem though my tummy still cramp in pain.. hence i'm back to gynecologist again. *i really fear going to gynecologist - lying on the bed, you really dont know what he'll say after scan; and i fear for the worst* that's when i realised i've gained weight!! when nickii visited me and told me it's normal to lose some weight initially, i was half-doubt. now i saw i'm actually weighing at 44kg, i was shocked! i'm happy i'm in awe~! i actually gained weight though i ate nothing much. all i can say - God is in control!! everything from before conception to everything happened and happening, God has everything arranged! Thank You, Abba Father! thank You! though i'm of no faith, yet You are faithful and true! Thank You, Jesus!!

9wk - eat sleep eat

hi people, after the episode with my mother-in-law, i guess i have not update you that her seriously bad cough virus caught up with her the next day hence my ordeal ended as suddenly as it started. not that it's so bad to have her around, but it's just so sudden and uninformed! and .. ok, this part i'm complaining - she only cooks for her portion; when i woke up after nap, i have to cook for myself though i'd have gone out to grab some food, if she's not around. that cooking part is really tedious~  anyway she's back to her home now, resting and recovering from her very very bad cough.

putting mother-in-law's kind peripeteia aside, my little jeremiah has not been very good boy past days either, esp when his daddy is at home. his feeding hours generally are 10am, 12noon, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm and 8pm. and after every hamster-bites, he wants his 15min to 1hr rest, which practically demands his mother (ie your truly) to eat-sleep-eat every 2hours. and you know, sometimes by the time food is ready esp a long queue on weekends, it'll be some time past his feeding time. therefore, little boss inside will throw his temper by rejecting any food that comes after his time, declaring my body a war zone. his dad will then be so anxious cos i've lost 1kg in past 5days. *what can i do - my little boss controls my diet now* 

went to gynecologist on saturday, immediately after my chinese physician suggest i should cos i've some triggerings of pain in lower abdomen. that's why i realised i lost so much weight in mere few days, that's when his daddy started to be so anxious even though his son is safely growing in my womb with regular normal fast heartbeats. that's also when i'm kinda ordered to stay in bed, having permission to turn on aircon all day in this summer heat. *great, now i totally feel like a pig - eat sleep eat with minimum movement* 

my goodness, i cant wait for all these to be over.. where's the pregnancy glow which conned so many ladies to be pregnant?! and i cant wait to be back in singapore where all my food cravings are~~

9wk - surprise after surprise

You believe what just happened! What I thought was simple dinner with mother-in-law turned out to be start of tonight's surprises.
first - my cellgroup members wanted to pay me a visit which really blessed my heart cos i've not seen them for so long.
Second - my in-laws came to have dinner with me which awkwardly surprised me cos joe is not around this week.. nevertheless i m quite happy to have company for dinner. then.. its what came after dinner which really shocked me! instead of dropping me off n went their way home my mother-in-law brought out her luggage. for a whole i thought she's going to give me more foodstuff  which she usually dp.. but i realized what was her actual plan when in the lift - she is staying overnight here! i was stunned by her 'no notice' but i guess she must have planned it all along that explains her luggage. ...ok cool i can take it..

then my friends came. i m so so glad to see them. they totally lifted my awkwardness up n lighten my mood. we chatted about how i have been eat..*no they dont know my blog*  its when they commented that i m rather stiffen that i got started. stiffen? i thought i was relaxed enough despite the presence of my mother-in-law. i thought i was quite at ease already though little one inside wad still a bit unsettled. they are also surprised to see a lively and fast walker has turned into slow super slow stroller who cant afford any disturbance for her little one inside. frankly i cant believe it myself too. i have been taking awareness not to hunch my back. but still.. they notice the stiffness of my shoulders. what can i say?

perhaps its the last minute surprise of hosting my mother-in-law that puts me in uncomfortable yet i have to present natural. perhaps its my unsettled little boss inside who make me nervous. Or perhaps i just cant sit on lounge chair cos i need yo either lie down totally or sit upright at right angle. whatever it is i m just glad i m now lying on my bed.. still trying to recover from so many information... in one night and mere few hours. what a night.

9wk - little grape at week9

it's been a while..2weeks to be exact since i have seen and heard my baby. and after the emotional outburst, i was kinda worried and missing my baby.. so i went for unscheduled consultation, on excuse that joe was not with me on my previous visit.

for the whole day i was waiting, counting the hours for joe to return from work.. damn that took ages.. when i finally got to see my baby in his little grape shape and his fast 150bpm heartbeat, i felt so safe. yes, i felt assured to know this little guy is still safely inside and making progress. though i've not been eating well (full), it's amazing that i actually gained weight~! ^_^

and yes, i'm still feeling uncomfortable and restless all day. even though my boss is nesting well inside, i still feel discomfort, esp in this summer weather! it's so so so HOT! appetite is getting worse - i ask my boss for his preference and his reply was silence.. no craving, no direction of what i should eat. i just do my best to feed myself something each day, every 2hrs from 10am. gosh, why 12hrs a day is so so hard to get by, when you are pregnant? time really crraawwlllss now.

maybe i should get myself something to do.. like?? unlike singapore, there's not much pregnancy workshops or classes here, at least none from the people i know, none from my gynecologist. so.. pregnancy in kaohsiung is like waiting to eggs to hatch - sit and eat, do nothing at home all day? oh ok, most of the ladies here actually prefer to stay at home so no issue to them.. but not me!! help~~ what can i do now to make my life better, at least for the next few weeks before i fly home?!

8wk - i'm sorry, Lord

i'm sorry, Lord. sorry for the angry hurtful words spoken against my body, my baby. in my anger, i said those words knowingly i was not holding my tongue. i held my temper, but my tongue is which i should hold. i'm sorry, Lord. please forgive me. take away all the damages i have said n made by my tongue, please continue to watch over my little jeremiah n ensure his healthy growth. Lord, take away my depressing emotions, if any in me. i've fought the depression monster n really pray it wont have any hold on my baby. let my baby be healthy and strong physically and emotionally, with a compassionate heart like You. please let him not have memory of what he heard or felt just now. Lord, please forgive me. help me to hold my tongue, my emotions. help joe to hold and manage his emotions. You are still Lord of our family, Lord of my marriage. Jesus, have mercy on me.

8wk - story of ben carson

just watch an AMAZING movie - 'Gifted Hands - Story of Ben Carson'.. it's so amazing that you cannot believe how much i cried, moved to tears by the miraculous gift of life. whom God has appointed, He will guide and protect him into His purpose, i believe this is what God has in plan for dr carson. gifted - yes, but most importantly God watches over him, every acts of him. even when young carson was filled with rage and violence, He protected him from killing his friend in rage. and i guess, it's also because dr carson was willing to humble himself to God, praying for God to take away his temper. that's humility which pleases God. i pray my baby will have this humility in his life, in his character. who are we to boast our knowledge before our Creator? yes, you may say it's knowledge and inspiration which lead dr carson to those successful operations, but where did all those scientific knowledge come from, o you rational mind? those scientific discoveries are revelation of God's creations - how He creates things to work. and those inspirations? i believe it's little hints or directions from God that we should go or discover. how amazing God is! 

perhaps you who watch the same movie may not cry like i do, but from a mother's stand, i totally understand and feels for the children.. why God had them this way at birth - i do not know, but i believe it's all so His Glory of creation can be shown, manifested through dr carson. it hurts for every parent to go through those 'why' questions. this movie touches me so deeply, not just because of how i feel with the parents, but how God has everything and everyone in His plan. God is just so amazing, so wonderful..


**

perhaps i'm 'destined' to be watching this movie - i woke up late cos i was in fact feeling depressed and worried about my pregnancy, then have a simple breakfast cooked and left for me by my lovely husband, then i felt so uncomfortable and i decided to lie down for whatever movie on tv. the monent i turned on the tv, rhis is the first show on tv and it gripped me to my heart. yeah, i choose to believe this is one of God's ways to comfort me in my depressing time now. my little baby is appointed by God (says so in Jere 33:3), so He will guide and lead his growth. nothing i can do can enhance or interfere his growth. everything is in God's Hands, in His Plan, for His Glory. 

how could i know how his little hands are formed? even with all the latest science, we could only know it grows, taking form inside womb, but we do not know how. God is the Creator of miraculous things, and life is one of His miraculous works. 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind,
    or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
    the Maker of all things.

7wk - i need that remote control

hmm.. what can i say. i must say this year is indeed a breakthrough year - my little one and moi monkey cousin has gotten herself a boyfriend! omg! i still remember her as the 'boys yucks' girl from st nicholas school. oh yeah, she was disgusted with the idea of boy-friends, let alone having a boyfriend himself! what a change, what a news! yes, i'm surprise.. esp this little girl didnt tell me about her bf, till i saw her picture on whatsapp.. that's disappointing as big monkey :( hehe.. i'll drill her despite this far far distance on the details.

ok, if you are wondering about how's this new mummy getting along with her 'adjustments', it still sucks! seriously, people, esp you guys!, respect and love your mothers - they really went through shit to have you (me inclusive) popping out from them. all you might see in family album is those happy-to-be-pregnant pictures, but hey, it's a torturous process behind those smiles,

ok. picture this
- wake up in the morning yet cant just turn and get up cos you'll get so so dizzy if you just get up as usual
- it takes no time for the little one inside to remind you he needs breakfast hence no time for you to have proper wash-up, and dont even bother about choosing what clothes to wear - when he wants food, he wants it NOW!;
- when you manage to drag yourself to breakfast store (cos there's simply no allowance for you to cook breakfast), you have to eat so fast yet so slowly, in order to 'eat more' before little guy pulls the 'no more food' string. just as how he demands it, when he wants to stop, you have to stop now otherwise he'll make sure there's more hell experience.
- when you try to walk (the most advisable exercise for pregnant women) he demands his rest, therefore you just have to walk very very slowly in order not to create 'turbulence' in his nest. and even so, you cant really walk far, you just to stop and rest for 15mins after a 5-10mins walk.
- when you finally finally get back home, you will be so tired yet you cant sit nor sleep. if you lie in that position, you'll feel so bloated; if you sit in this position, every inch of body tells you to lie down.
- oh, thank God, you finally find the 'right position', you can finally rest or even nap.. but wait!, it's only 15-20mins! of peace before you have to fight with discomfort all day
- even if you are kinda hungry, you have to ask, yes ask literally, the little boss inside for his appetite - wrong food (ie not his preference) is a one-way ticket to another hell experience.
- nothing you eat tastes good or even tasty for you can taste nothing at all! bland and tasteless.. and you'll wonder where did all those good food go.
- when it's finally bedtime, you are damn tired yet you cant just turn and sleep. you have to find his comfortable position, before he could let you sleep in peace.
then tomorrow starts all over again. i tell you man, it's a horrendous torture. i'm just thankful i'm not working now, i cant imagine how to perform in office with all these physical and emotional roller-coaster rides.

honestly, this is how i spent past days and i suspect it'll be so for more days to come. people tell me it'll be over after he stablised, and this is one of those times you wish you have those jim carrey's remote control to fast forward life. just get it over asap, please!!

7wk - mothers, you have my salute!

i'm not going to kid you: 1st trimester is really NOT EASY~ constantly bodily discomfort is miserable! i cant even eat though i thought i finally have some appetite. a few bites and i'll be bloated. how can anyone go through this~ you have my absolute salute! 

need to rest but restless.. i mean, for goodness' sake, besides the compulsory breakfast trips, i am practically lazing on the sofa with tv or at the dinning table with laptop all day. this is my life now! imagine it! i made myself those compulsory trips for breakfast, yet when the little one is 'awake' *i assume only when he is awake hence i feel all those 'movements' / adjustments in my body*, my body turns upside down. yes i reckon he's hungry, but he leaves me no time to get dressed .. when he wants to eat, he wants to eat now! how ruthless life begins~ seriously, now i know what my mum or all mum went through, they have my absolute salute! this is physical torture, man! and to think some people have this first 3mths' secrecy myth, it's insane! how and why  suffer in secret, just because of some myth! come'on, i rather let the world know this is torturous period, than to suffer in silence.

yawning and feeling bloated for all day! yet i cant sleep, not even nap.. and i cant eat, not even snacks.. well, i've chosen yogurt and oats bars for snacks. and apparently, it'll takes years to finish them with my few nibbles. honestly, when they say children is miracle from God, they are NOT kidding - it takes a miracle for one to go through this 'adjustments'. oh God, i need Your miracle now~!! keep my baby safe, and get these discomforts away, please please please~~

7wk - tension over decisions

i dont like taiwan's medical attention! yes, it's cheaper than singapore but yet, there's no caring attention given! did i mention the gynecologist was not giving attention to his patient (ie ME!!) and then i had another 'better' one who kept pushing those scary scenarios for more tests to be done?

i've been doing some research and asking around on the first trimester tests. it turns out that amniocentesis can be second options, after One-stop Clinic for Assessment of Risk (OSCAR)! i'm not particularly worried about miscarriage rate but it's the timing for the tests! i've specifically told the gynecologist that i need to fly back to Singapore for 2nd trimester (24 June - 16 Sep), yet he kept telling me to take amniocentesis test which can only be taken after week16 (22July) and the result will require 3weeks hence we are looking at week20 (12Aug) before i can fly! that's already halfway of my second trimester! did he or did he not listen to my travel plan? i even told him straight that my hubby - joe is not always around in kaohsiung, hence i need to be back to Singapore for family support and care. 

seriously i am looking at early/ mid July to fly back! though i have not change my airticket yet, but i know i have to do it SOON, by 18May! 

http://www.babycenter.com.sg/a1036817/first-trimester-screening-oscar-

7wk - First Heartbeat!

guess what?! i HEARD my baby's HEARTBEAT just now!! Yippee yeah!!

ok, i had some coffee discharge this morning.. with a heavy and worrying heart, i really watched the clock ticked till 2.30pm when i can finally register for afternoon consultation. when i say heavy, it's really HEAVY.. though i still managed to choke up a few smiles with my chinese physician, but my heart was really crunching inside. how i wish someone can just feel right into my womb and tell me what's happening to my baby. i was so so nervous and worried, damn worried .. afterall i had an ectopic pregnancy before. though the chinese physician was kind to share my concern, he couldn't really feel my baby's pulse hence, he agreed to my suggestion to visit gynecologist today, in order to give my mind and heart a rest. *i had a saturday appointment but it's only tuesday today*

that's exactly what i did~! i practically stormed to the gynecologist under the hot hot sun! heavy heart, yes.. to the point, i really didn't know what to expect or say.. i know i should at least say a prayer but i really have no word.. when i finally voiced out my worry to God, the words came easy.. God has this everything all planned. i may not have faith like abraham to sacrifice isaac, but i know God is still in control. then faith arises and fear is somehow diminished. by the time i registered,my heart is kinda settled down with God in control.. then while waiting for my number, i cant help being tickled by fear and so i spoke in spiritual tongue so loud in that spacious waiting lounge *i'm the only person left* for God in control.

i was really so fearful that i didn't know what to tell the gynecologist. when he directed me to the bed, my heart was so so so so heavy for i really didn't know what to expect.. when he probed with ultrasound, he couldn't hear any heartbeat!! OMG! my heart heavy and started to sink.. what should i do? my mind is in a mess.. then he suggested invasive probing with the scope, which is totally ok with me, as long as i can know my baby is safe inside my womb. and then there he is! little black spot on the screen, with a little white moving heart~ and the heartbeat!!! it's so fast~! i am so thankful to God when i heard that heartbeat! what an assuring sound to my ears! a heavy rock was lifted right away~~ this little one is safely nesting inside my womb. ^_^

then all the questions came.. remember i mentioned how busy the gynecologist was? well, this is his partner and less busy so he is quite (very) suggestive on all the pregnancy tests. seriously, after knowing my baby is ok, i really didn't wanted to hear of any other complications that might behold. yet, i thank God for his patience and explanation, i'm now officially a proud mother of 7weeks baby! edd 30dec2013!

too bad, joe was not here with me .. he would have heard the heartbeat too~ seriously, that beating sound is really miraculous! sweet sweet sound from God~! here's the scan of my baby~ ^o^

6wk - amazing fruitful day

i must say yesterday 12May (Sun) was the best day i've for past weeks.. maybe bcos joe was with me all day, eating and walking with me.. yes, i dont really eat much (at all) alone.

after AR Bernard's awesome!! message on Faith via internet service, we went sushi express in kaohsiung arena for lunch~! yeah, it's my favourite snack bar *i dont eat alot anyway* oh, by the way, i should mention this - this little man inside me now seems to like singing praise and worship songs to God!! *YEAH!!* whenever i sing, all peace reigns, no bodily discomfort. how cool is that for morning sickness! ok, back to sushi, i had a hard struggle not to eat those familiar nigiri as they are raw fish. nevertheless, i still drank a bowl of miso, cooked prawns nigiri and cooked okra before the 'warning' burp. oh yes, i've also learnt to listen to this burp - eat till this burp and that's it. anyway, this burp quite fast after a few bites, so maintaining a non-loaded stomach which in turns ease the morning sickness.

did i mention it's rainy day? yes, and yet joe was willing to walk under the rain for such long distance to arena with me. how amazing is fatherly love?! he used to nag about how far is it, despite the fact it's just 10mins walk. not only that, we walked to library which is another mrt station away! now, that is quite a distance even for a 'walker' like me. i'm just so glad we did it anyway, after a rest at macdonald's. though i'm bored in library, but my heart smiled when i saw him carrying all those maternity/ pregnancy books. ok, joe will be a good father..just needed some nagging and persistent push to get him going.

then we had dinner at dumplings shop. it's amazing how i managed to eat so much in mere 4hrs! sushi-fries-dumplings! this is an achievement, man! and without feeling dizzy or nausea after meal! even though it's small bites, it's amazing how little guy is so guai when his dad is around. such a fruitful day of walking and eating! i kinda suspect i can only have such non-reactive days on Saturdays and Sundays, and able to eat the required portions.

see... now.. i've finished my breakfast (joe at at work) and this uncomfortable feeling is rising.. ok, people i have to rest now.

6wk - Single-parent

i woke up venting my temper (and fear) this morning. in fact, it started last night - after the dinner with joe's friends. i'm not sure if it's the fried intestines or the sweet-and-sour froglegs which made me uncomfortable after the dinner. in fact, sometime nearing the end of dinner, i know something is not that right..

with every opportunity i had, i felt the windy turmoil inside me. actually perhaps it's just a whirl but added with my fear for the fetus, this windy seems to manifest into a monster..a evil inside. i felt so miserable. i wanted to puke this air out, i tried to burp it out but it's just not coming out.. this torture continued till late night. i made sure joe suffered too cos he didnt do his homework on what i can eat and what i cant, esp my health is not those 'typical'. every doze he tried, i made sure i mourn even louder. evil, yes, but hey he has never given me the 'assurance' that he's ready to be father, to be taking care of us. which is why he didnt do his homework on my forbidden food, thus i'm in this miserable state. yes, i blame him. initially he was glad *me too!* that i'll be back to Singapore, under care of my parents, so he didnt need to think much about taking care of me; but now he has to take care of me cos i cannot fly! shouldnt he at least be doing some homework on how to take care of me?!

i know taking care of people is not his character - all his life he only knows how to care for himself and him only. but shouldnt he, at least, try?! he always assume i know how to take care of myself *which i had to cos he doesnt!* but cant he try?! anyway i left him a long message in his fb.. which i think he wont have time to read cos his time are all spent on mobile games! yes, that is another part of his life, perhaps a bigger part than me and baby. be it shopping or chatting or even driving, he is always on the mobile game! he's married to his mobile game, rather than me!

i gave up vying with his mobile game for his time. i give up. if that's more important than me, so be it. he can play all his time, i just hope he will use his time on how to take care of me for his baby's sake. i'm not a single-parent, though very often i feel so.

6wk - Jeremiah

yesterday was a bit of a hectic day for pregnant me.

having no appetite, my day officially started at 3pm, after a simple toast bread at 10am. *10am-2pm i was on the previous blog post* wanted to nap but not sleepy at all, so kinda forced myself to go out and find food, any food will do. had a simple bowl of meehoon soup, which i amazingly finished it all! before i started on my afternoon walk..

i've never walked this slow~ it took me 1hr to get to kaohsiung arena which is just around the corner from my apartment, at 2.3km! dont ask me how did i do that turning 30mins journey into 1hr walk, somehow it just happened.

this is not all. my dad was admitted into Singapore General Hospital for his heart scan and operations at 2pm. my heart was with him, praying for God's peace and protection on the whole procedure. *he was on local anesthesia so he's awake throughout the scanning* when he's out, jancy messaged that the first statement was to order hospital dinner~! seriously, this is so typical of my dad. i bet, he might (must) have been directing his scan with the surgeons. doctor chua, we call him. at least, that's a good sign - asking for food immediately after scanning.  results: out of 4 arteries from the past by-pass operation, 2 are still working well; 1 is blocked and another yet to be found. *'yet to be found'?!* they need to do another scan to locate this 'missing' arteries before they could decide on the 'balloon' operations. it's amazing how our human body work, even with 'hidden' artery. anyway, this is why he has to be hospitalized for another night to prepare for another scan.

came evening, joe and i consulted my chinese physician on my pregnancy. knowing i have more complications than normal mothers, he advised against flight during my first semester!! *seriously?!* i guess that's THE confirmation joe wanted while i tried to protest. i was really looking to 23May to return to Singapore.. to my hugo.. to my dad. despite the web information that flight is safe, i was shaken when the physician illustrated the 5% probability of mishap. yes, the 95% is safe to travel but what if i'm the 5%? knowing my medical history, i cant help but to give in.. bye, 23May.. Singapore, i will see you again in August2013. see you, my durians *sob sob*


PS: i cant help keep thinking of the name Jeremiah where God always reminds me on jere 33:3. perhaps this shall be my son's name (if he's a son)?

Jeremiah 33:2-3

Thus says the Lord who made it, the Lord who formed it to establish it (the Lord is His name): ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’



http://bible-library.com/Jeremiah
http://bibleencyclopedia.net/index.php/Jeremiah

5wk - God has been busy preparing

let's see how should i start.. today is 6th May 2013 (Monday), the 4th day since my pregnancy test kit turned positive. let's start from the very beginning so you know this is a God prepared journey.. indeed it IS!

March 2013 - i received invitations for a job interview in Singapore, something i look forward to return to Singapore yet in my heart i'm unsure.. fyi, God closed this door soon after.

beginning April 2013 - as if a call from Heaven, i received a call from my neighbour one morning *i knew her from a social gathering, organised by existing community. never do i expect her to remember or to call me! she actually went to security guardhouse for my internal apartment line~! such persistent!* and as if a sudden drop of gift from Above, she wanted to rent me a bigger apartment (3-rooms, compared to my existing 2-rooms)! seriously, i was surprised and perhaps in shock to receive such offer. however, being rationale since i've planned to return to Singapore on 23May (for good), we politely turned her down.. straight in her face. you should have seen how i stammered in my reply, and how she disappointed looked.

mid April 2013 - looking forward to return to Singapore, yet still feeling uncertain in my heart on my planned return.. i kinda challenged God - the only reason You can make me stay in Taiwan is to have me pregnant. i mean, this is really the best reason (excuse) to cancel all the planning and announcements that i'm finally able to return to Singapore. yes, it is a dare challenge.. and frankly i was not putting my heart into my words, afterall i really want to return to my comfort zone. but i guess, my cellgroup leader - layla took it and prayed for me. and behold~ that particular week, He answered to our prayer with a '等待 wait' rhema.  .. wait - it reminds me of my D-days.. how faithful God is, and how REAL God is when i waited for Him. so wait it shall be..

25th April 2013 - there's a milk fair organised by this community. *i really like this community - clean, modern and full of activities for residents* joe also started to order this delicious milk to be delivered to my doorstep daily, even though it's less than a month to my departure. initially the uncle kinda reluctant to clinch this deal cos it's less than a month, but i thank God for this auntie who was willing to compromise and accept our special arrangement. the milk is really delicious~ cow's milk with full-grain nutrients! even if i'm not pregnant, this sure helps in my daily requirement of B-complex.

30th April 2013 - my menstruation has still not come. i tried not to think much, though i kept a close watch on my breasts - how tender they are becoming. when i consult my chinese physician on my weekly review, i also reminded him how irregular my period has been hence this should not be something to be alarmed about. yet, being the caring and cautious physician, he adviced me against certain diet (eg barley) even though it's not confirmed that i'm pregnant, and he suggested for pregnancy test later a few days later. honestly i really thank God for his advice, cos i had a pot of barley dessert waiting for me at home that day~ in the end, joe had to finish it all.

2nd May 2013 - ok, i should give you some background for this sharing.. my church has organised an 溯溪 river-tracing event on 5th May. somehow in my inner man, i had this uneasiness to join them and perhaps i should at least 'warn' them about my suspected pregnancy. *i'm still waiting for weekends to come so i can test* trust me, i struggled internally. i mean, what if it's just my usual delayed menstruation? if so, there's no need to make such hoo-ha, right? frankly, i was really in a muddle that night. i attended cellgroup with such complexity that i really didn't give much attention to the message. i looked for opportunity to talk to layla, but she's rather busy serving others so i kinda chickened out and carried this complexity back home. in the middle of the night, around 4am, i woke up with such heavy heart. simply cant sleep, the question of to-inform-or-not-to-inform debated till 5.30am, when i finally left a message to layla on should pregnant woman allowed to river-trace, then i was able to doze back to sleep.

3rd May 2013 - you who are smart should have guessed what happened this day. layla jumped into conclusion that i'm pregnant and urged me to conduct pregnancy test that day. *honestly i was really hoping to test it a few days later; afterall ignorance is a bliss sometime* her urge was so encouraging, so i kinda dragged myself out to buy the test kit and on the way - my lunch. i didn't eat a lot, in fact no appetite to eat. i gave up on trying to eat and did the test at 12noon. wah lah, this is the fastest result i've ever seen in my experience! just a first few drops, the 2 strips are already clearly indicated! it's as if they're so eager to let me know~  my heart leaped yet fell with a heavy bump. this would imply my plan to return will be affected. seriously, i could just see God's grin at a corner of my eye. yes, this IS how HUMOROUS God is. He never fails to amaze me with His Plan and Ways. i'm always totally defeated by His humor!  don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not happy about His Plan, but seriously? does He always have to arrange it 'last minute'? how timely can He be~! i simply have no idea how to tell joe~ 

after a exciting, comforting and assuring chat with layla who dashed to meet me after her class (and after my dancing class), my heart kinda accepted 70% of this news. ok, faith arises and action has to be done, the plans will have to be re-thought. is it going to be my plan or His Plan? seriously, at this point, i am still in awe of His humor..helplessly in awe. it's like everything i've planned is tossed upside-down and i've to re-look into re-arranging. seriously, the thought of this make me feel so helpless. yes, i'm happy, super happy to be a mother, but looking at the 'mess' to re-arrange, you can just imagine how tiring it is. 

with my simplified inspiration of milk bottle, i shared this news to my baby's father - joe. it's after our 石二鍋steamboat dinner that i finally braced courage to reveal the bottle. omg, his eyes went red and were tearing! omg! he's more emotional than me! i guess i was more 'defeated by God's humour' than to feel the emotions. since then, it's roller-coaster ride~

first, i eagerly waited for my mum to return from her facial in order to break the news in front of whole family via skype. when she finally came back, when i finally broke the news, i was kinda disappointed with their reactions. i mean, my two crazy sisters were excited alright, but my parents... i know it's the norm of older generation to celebrate only when it's confirmed.. but still it hurts me to see how calmly they responded. honestly, my spirit sank.. even when layla and her husband visited us to pray for us and bless us, my heart still is kinda affected. in fact, i'm so affected that it ruined the rest of the night. i just wanted to share my joy, even if it's 'short-term' lah. why cant they just 'go with the flow'? i thank God for jancy whom i messaged my complaints. yes, i really thank God for His work in jancy. while i pour my complaints out, she was able to understand and even shared in a 'Christian manner'. i'm surprised how that chat blessed me, instead of deepening my complaints. God is indeed working in my family! Salvation is at work!

4th May 2013 - spent 6hrs waiting at the infamous gynecologist, only to find my baby embryo is nesting safely in my womb at 0.628mm. .*honestly, the 6hrs wait is exchanged for a less than 5mins consultation! is this how taiwanese 'famous' doctors manage their patients? i miss my old naggy gynecologist in Singapore - she's so famous yet she treats every patient with care and consideration time to explain and prepare them on expectations. oh seriously, i wish she's here to nag at me on what to do/expect next* i'm to follow-up again 2 weeks's time to check for heartbeat *sounds exciting?* 

and this is the day when i feel i'm getting easily irritable, esp when i picked a quarrel with joe who accompanied me through the 6hrs. honestly, i know it's not his fault that he was not aware of how to take care of me. afterall he's not taught like we are exposed in Singapore, and it's his first time visiting gynecologist for ultra-sound scan, but it's just so me to blow it out and feel (good) tired after that. *don't worry we are fine after an afternoon nap*

5th May 2013 - i finally paid attention to all my tiredness. even though i'm out with my in-laws but i cant help feeling sleepy and yawning. i must have given them a 'heck-care' face cos i'm really so tired in front of them. it's joe who broke the news to them. i'm not sure if they are really happy about it, but i remember my mil was glad that i'm going back soon to be under the care of my mother. seriously, after the episode with my parents, i really don't care how the elders are taking it, i just want eat and rest. and so i did.

the question now is.. God, do you want me to stay in Taiwan or return to Singapore? You know we have to give birth in Singapore, where my mother will be able to take care of my confinement. But.. do you want me to leave on 23May 2013?

Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know what is the way of the wind,
Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,
So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.