35wk - joe is stuck, so am i

just want to blog this, before my disappointment affects baby jeremiah..

just ended skype call with joe.. his offshore assignment has hit a bottleneck and he cant leave the ship soon, which in turn he'd miss his flight to singapore on 5th dec. that will implies i've to stay under this delivery stress longer.. no idea when baby jeremiah will come out; no idea if his daddy will be able to receive him together with me. see, that's why i dare to say i'm a single-mother. i know joe is also in dilemma, he also wishes he could leave now, be here in singapore with me. but reality is that he didnt put his foot down in this assignment. he knew and he has told his team about this delivery, this flight to singapore.. but yet despite completing his assignment, he still cannot leave due to inspection failure. yes, i understand team spirit and work responsibility but this case now is totally different from norm! if my subordinate has to take urgent leave to be with his baby delivery, no one should have any objection, let alone he has completed his task.

in spite of my disappointment, joe still dare to ask me for my support. honestly, how can i support him on his delay now? birth hour is not mine to plan, neither is the doc able to predict. all i can say now is i hope baby jeremiah heard what happened to his daddy and stay inside for at least another 2weeks. my edd is 30 Dec, but doc has told me to be prepare for earlier date as this is my first pregnancy. of course i'd wish baby will stay in even after his edd, but this is really not for me to say. *even so, doc also told me the latest to induce is 31st Dec cos i'm diabetic, might have complications if stay longer*

so.. back to joe's delay. i was really counting down the days to have him around, at least i dont have to live my hours under this ambiguous stress. i try to relax as much as i can, try to act natural like other normal expecting mothers, looking forward to baby's hour. the fact remains deep within that i'm scare, i'm stress.. since i'm back in singapore, every baby preparation, every detail is considered, planned and prepared by me  alone. besides my meals which has stressed my mum *she is kinda at a loss of what i can eat*, i have put my best in taking care of myself, my baby. perhaps it's my fate that i should face these like single mother - someone which i should be years ago.

34wk - please continue to stay in for another 3weeks

for past days i have been telling myself to update this blog with the joy and anticipation of getting all those baby stuff in place. i've been sorting, washing and folding those tiny clothing, mittens, and socks since his cabinet arrived on 11Nov (Mon), everything seems so in place, and surreal that a baby is really coming into my life. the reality really kicked in when you see these little stuff in place. not to mention, his newborn and small sizes diapers..even my hospital bag is prepared. everything was under my control, single-handedly and that feels good.

till today! woke up with bad dream, had a very very late breakfast and my instinct is always telling me to lie down asap, though i was in marketplace. i managed to come back asap, after the usual maketing and it sure feels good to lie down. my tummy has been so tightened from time to time. the old auntie whom i dont know in the market made it worse by commenting 'you'll be giving birth soon'. for a normal expectant mother, that is a joy comment to hear, but it scared the hell of me! no!! i dont want jeremiah to come out now, not now, not anytime soon! not when his daddy is not in singapore, let alone not contactable in open seas!! *he'll be here in 3weeks' time, please my dear jeremiah, please stay inside till your daddy is here in singapore with us.*

while i was bathing, i really felt worse. so bad cos i'm facing this stress of preterm birth alone, that i actually feel like a single mother! i hate this feeling, i hate joe for not being here now! when i'm facing these stress of pregnancy, these discouraging injections at every meals, where is he? where is he when i need him during pregnancy?! i know he's working very hard on his diving assignments, earning as much as he can while he can. but why am i facing these alone?! why cant i have a normal pregnancy of joy and anticipation, like others do? my baby has not heard his daddy's voice since his hearing has fully developed. i really feel like a single mother. i mean, if i'm really a single mum, so be it - i would have the courage to face these all when i decided to keep baby. but i'm not! yet i feel i am!! i dont have the courage to go through alone!!

32wk - let the final countdown begins~~

today must be the miraculous day of my pregnancy! i nearly jumped in delight when doc told me my placenta is now in good position for natural delivery!! trust me, i was still counselling myself when i was stepping into the room, telling myself to take things in its stride, cos today is the 'last day' to decide for c-section if  placenta is still low lying. i was really bracing myself for the worst, after all the negative updates i've experience in this pregnancy.

yes, i was so happy to know everything is in place for natural delivery!! my little boy is growing well at 1.9kg now. when i saw him sleeping so quietly inside, i cant help telling myself it's all worth it. doc even told me he has a lot of hair (abt 15mm), it was like hitting jackpot for me. i have seen babies with hair - generally not so much hair, but i hope jeremiah will have my genes of thick dark hair. i was born with a lot of hair and have always have thick hair.. unlike joe, baldness has never been in my concern. i just hope this is so for jeremiah too.

honestly i had some questions for doc today.. but this good news (perhaps the only good news since i started following up with this doc) really throw me over the moon. for past 2 months, i have been preparing myself for the c-section delivery - what and how to recover from c-section etc. i really cant tell you how happy i was when i know everything is ready for natural birth. little jeremiah is in his final position, preparing to come out; fluid and placenta are in place; my diabetic is somehow under control.. everything is ready for His timing. the time to push out and see jeremiah in face.

let the final countdown begins~~