You believe what just happened! What I thought was simple dinner with mother-in-law turned out to be start of tonight's surprises.
first - my cellgroup members wanted to pay me a visit which really blessed my heart cos i've not seen them for so long.
Second - my in-laws came to have dinner with me which awkwardly surprised me cos joe is not around this week.. nevertheless i m quite happy to have company for dinner. then.. its what came after dinner which really shocked me! instead of dropping me off n went their way home my mother-in-law brought out her luggage. for a whole i thought she's going to give me more foodstuff which she usually dp.. but i realized what was her actual plan when in the lift - she is staying overnight here! i was stunned by her 'no notice' but i guess she must have planned it all along that explains her luggage. ...ok cool i can take it..
then my friends came. i m so so glad to see them. they totally lifted my awkwardness up n lighten my mood. we chatted about how i have been eat..*no they dont know my blog* its when they commented that i m rather stiffen that i got started. stiffen? i thought i was relaxed enough despite the presence of my mother-in-law. i thought i was quite at ease already though little one inside wad still a bit unsettled. they are also surprised to see a lively and fast walker has turned into slow super slow stroller who cant afford any disturbance for her little one inside. frankly i cant believe it myself too. i have been taking awareness not to hunch my back. but still.. they notice the stiffness of my shoulders. what can i say?
perhaps its the last minute surprise of hosting my mother-in-law that puts me in uncomfortable yet i have to present natural. perhaps its my unsettled little boss inside who make me nervous. Or perhaps i just cant sit on lounge chair cos i need yo either lie down totally or sit upright at right angle. whatever it is i m just glad i m now lying on my bed.. still trying to recover from so many information... in one night and mere few hours. what a night.
Thursday 30 May 2013
Tuesday 28 May 2013
9wk - little grape at week9
it's been a while..2weeks to be exact since i have seen and heard my baby. and after the emotional outburst, i was kinda worried and missing my baby.. so i went for unscheduled consultation, on excuse that joe was not with me on my previous visit.
for the whole day i was waiting, counting the hours for joe to return from work.. damn that took ages.. when i finally got to see my baby in his little grape shape and his fast 150bpm heartbeat, i felt so safe. yes, i felt assured to know this little guy is still safely inside and making progress. though i've not been eating well (full), it's amazing that i actually gained weight~! ^_^
and yes, i'm still feeling uncomfortable and restless all day. even though my boss is nesting well inside, i still feel discomfort, esp in this summer weather! it's so so so HOT! appetite is getting worse - i ask my boss for his preference and his reply was silence.. no craving, no direction of what i should eat. i just do my best to feed myself something each day, every 2hrs from 10am. gosh, why 12hrs a day is so so hard to get by, when you are pregnant? time really crraawwlllss now.
maybe i should get myself something to do.. like?? unlike singapore, there's not much pregnancy workshops or classes here, at least none from the people i know, none from my gynecologist. so.. pregnancy in kaohsiung is like waiting to eggs to hatch - sit and eat, do nothing at home all day? oh ok, most of the ladies here actually prefer to stay at home so no issue to them.. but not me!! help~~ what can i do now to make my life better, at least for the next few weeks before i fly home?!
a.jpg)
for the whole day i was waiting, counting the hours for joe to return from work.. damn that took ages.. when i finally got to see my baby in his little grape shape and his fast 150bpm heartbeat, i felt so safe. yes, i felt assured to know this little guy is still safely inside and making progress. though i've not been eating well (full), it's amazing that i actually gained weight~! ^_^
and yes, i'm still feeling uncomfortable and restless all day. even though my boss is nesting well inside, i still feel discomfort, esp in this summer weather! it's so so so HOT! appetite is getting worse - i ask my boss for his preference and his reply was silence.. no craving, no direction of what i should eat. i just do my best to feed myself something each day, every 2hrs from 10am. gosh, why 12hrs a day is so so hard to get by, when you are pregnant? time really crraawwlllss now.
maybe i should get myself something to do.. like?? unlike singapore, there's not much pregnancy workshops or classes here, at least none from the people i know, none from my gynecologist. so.. pregnancy in kaohsiung is like waiting to eggs to hatch - sit and eat, do nothing at home all day? oh ok, most of the ladies here actually prefer to stay at home so no issue to them.. but not me!! help~~ what can i do now to make my life better, at least for the next few weeks before i fly home?!
a.jpg)
Friday 24 May 2013
8wk - i'm sorry, Lord
i'm sorry, Lord. sorry for the angry hurtful words spoken against my body, my baby. in my anger, i said those words knowingly i was not holding my tongue. i held my temper, but my tongue is which i should hold. i'm sorry, Lord. please forgive me. take away all the damages i have said n made by my tongue, please continue to watch over my little jeremiah n ensure his healthy growth. Lord, take away my depressing emotions, if any in me. i've fought the depression monster n really pray it wont have any hold on my baby. let my baby be healthy and strong physically and emotionally, with a compassionate heart like You. please let him not have memory of what he heard or felt just now. Lord, please forgive me. help me to hold my tongue, my emotions. help joe to hold and manage his emotions. You are still Lord of our family, Lord of my marriage. Jesus, have mercy on me.
Tuesday 21 May 2013
8wk - story of ben carson
just watch an AMAZING movie - 'Gifted Hands - Story of Ben Carson'.. it's so amazing that you cannot believe how much i cried, moved to tears by the miraculous gift of life. whom God has appointed, He will guide and protect him into His purpose, i believe this is what God has in plan for dr carson. gifted - yes, but most importantly God watches over him, every acts of him. even when young carson was filled with rage and violence, He protected him from killing his friend in rage. and i guess, it's also because dr carson was willing to humble himself to God, praying for God to take away his temper. that's humility which pleases God. i pray my baby will have this humility in his life, in his character. who are we to boast our knowledge before our Creator? yes, you may say it's knowledge and inspiration which lead dr carson to those successful operations, but where did all those scientific knowledge come from, o you rational mind? those scientific discoveries are revelation of God's creations - how He creates things to work. and those inspirations? i believe it's little hints or directions from God that we should go or discover. how amazing God is!
perhaps you who watch the same movie may not cry like i do, but from a mother's stand, i totally understand and feels for the children.. why God had them this way at birth - i do not know, but i believe it's all so His Glory of creation can be shown, manifested through dr carson. it hurts for every parent to go through those 'why' questions. this movie touches me so deeply, not just because of how i feel with the parents, but how God has everything and everyone in His plan. God is just so amazing, so wonderful..
**
perhaps i'm 'destined' to be watching this movie - i woke up late cos i was in fact feeling depressed and worried about my pregnancy, then have a simple breakfast cooked and left for me by my lovely husband, then i felt so uncomfortable and i decided to lie down for whatever movie on tv. the monent i turned on the tv, rhis is the first show on tv and it gripped me to my heart. yeah, i choose to believe this is one of God's ways to comfort me in my depressing time now. my little baby is appointed by God (says so in Jere 33:3), so He will guide and lead his growth. nothing i can do can enhance or interfere his growth. everything is in God's Hands, in His Plan, for His Glory.
how could i know how his little hands are formed? even with all the latest science, we could only know it grows, taking form inside womb, but we do not know how. God is the Creator of miraculous things, and life is one of His miraculous works.
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
perhaps you who watch the same movie may not cry like i do, but from a mother's stand, i totally understand and feels for the children.. why God had them this way at birth - i do not know, but i believe it's all so His Glory of creation can be shown, manifested through dr carson. it hurts for every parent to go through those 'why' questions. this movie touches me so deeply, not just because of how i feel with the parents, but how God has everything and everyone in His plan. God is just so amazing, so wonderful..
**
perhaps i'm 'destined' to be watching this movie - i woke up late cos i was in fact feeling depressed and worried about my pregnancy, then have a simple breakfast cooked and left for me by my lovely husband, then i felt so uncomfortable and i decided to lie down for whatever movie on tv. the monent i turned on the tv, rhis is the first show on tv and it gripped me to my heart. yeah, i choose to believe this is one of God's ways to comfort me in my depressing time now. my little baby is appointed by God (says so in Jere 33:3), so He will guide and lead his growth. nothing i can do can enhance or interfere his growth. everything is in God's Hands, in His Plan, for His Glory.
how could i know how his little hands are formed? even with all the latest science, we could only know it grows, taking form inside womb, but we do not know how. God is the Creator of miraculous things, and life is one of His miraculous works.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
Monday 20 May 2013
7wk - i need that remote control
hmm.. what can i say. i must say this year is indeed a breakthrough year - my little one and moi monkey cousin has gotten herself a boyfriend! omg! i still remember her as the 'boys yucks' girl from st nicholas school. oh yeah, she was disgusted with the idea of boy-friends, let alone having a boyfriend himself! what a change, what a news! yes, i'm surprise.. esp this little girl didnt tell me about her bf, till i saw her picture on whatsapp.. that's disappointing as big monkey :( hehe.. i'll drill her despite this far far distance on the details.
ok, if you are wondering about how's this new mummy getting along with her 'adjustments', it still sucks! seriously, people, esp you guys!, respect and love your mothers - they really went through shit to have you (me inclusive) popping out from them. all you might see in family album is those happy-to-be-pregnant pictures, but hey, it's a torturous process behind those smiles,
ok. picture this
- wake up in the morning yet cant just turn and get up cos you'll get so so dizzy if you just get up as usual
- it takes no time for the little one inside to remind you he needs breakfast hence no time for you to have proper wash-up, and dont even bother about choosing what clothes to wear - when he wants food, he wants it NOW!;
- when you manage to drag yourself to breakfast store (cos there's simply no allowance for you to cook breakfast), you have to eat so fast yet so slowly, in order to 'eat more' before little guy pulls the 'no more food' string. just as how he demands it, when he wants to stop, you have to stop now otherwise he'll make sure there's more hell experience.
- when you try to walk (the most advisable exercise for pregnant women) he demands his rest, therefore you just have to walk very very slowly in order not to create 'turbulence' in his nest. and even so, you cant really walk far, you just to stop and rest for 15mins after a 5-10mins walk.
- when you finally finally get back home, you will be so tired yet you cant sit nor sleep. if you lie in that position, you'll feel so bloated; if you sit in this position, every inch of body tells you to lie down.
- oh, thank God, you finally find the 'right position', you can finally rest or even nap.. but wait!, it's only 15-20mins! of peace before you have to fight with discomfort all day
- even if you are kinda hungry, you have to ask, yes ask literally, the little boss inside for his appetite - wrong food (ie not his preference) is a one-way ticket to another hell experience.
- nothing you eat tastes good or even tasty for you can taste nothing at all! bland and tasteless.. and you'll wonder where did all those good food go.
- when it's finally bedtime, you are damn tired yet you cant just turn and sleep. you have to find his comfortable position, before he could let you sleep in peace.
then tomorrow starts all over again. i tell you man, it's a horrendous torture. i'm just thankful i'm not working now, i cant imagine how to perform in office with all these physical and emotional roller-coaster rides.
honestly, this is how i spent past days and i suspect it'll be so for more days to come. people tell me it'll be over after he stablised, and this is one of those times you wish you have those jim carrey's remote control to fast forward life. just get it over asap, please!!
ok, if you are wondering about how's this new mummy getting along with her 'adjustments', it still sucks! seriously, people, esp you guys!, respect and love your mothers - they really went through shit to have you (me inclusive) popping out from them. all you might see in family album is those happy-to-be-pregnant pictures, but hey, it's a torturous process behind those smiles,
ok. picture this
- wake up in the morning yet cant just turn and get up cos you'll get so so dizzy if you just get up as usual
- it takes no time for the little one inside to remind you he needs breakfast hence no time for you to have proper wash-up, and dont even bother about choosing what clothes to wear - when he wants food, he wants it NOW!;
- when you manage to drag yourself to breakfast store (cos there's simply no allowance for you to cook breakfast), you have to eat so fast yet so slowly, in order to 'eat more' before little guy pulls the 'no more food' string. just as how he demands it, when he wants to stop, you have to stop now otherwise he'll make sure there's more hell experience.
- when you try to walk (the most advisable exercise for pregnant women) he demands his rest, therefore you just have to walk very very slowly in order not to create 'turbulence' in his nest. and even so, you cant really walk far, you just to stop and rest for 15mins after a 5-10mins walk.
- when you finally finally get back home, you will be so tired yet you cant sit nor sleep. if you lie in that position, you'll feel so bloated; if you sit in this position, every inch of body tells you to lie down.
- oh, thank God, you finally find the 'right position', you can finally rest or even nap.. but wait!, it's only 15-20mins! of peace before you have to fight with discomfort all day
- even if you are kinda hungry, you have to ask, yes ask literally, the little boss inside for his appetite - wrong food (ie not his preference) is a one-way ticket to another hell experience.
- nothing you eat tastes good or even tasty for you can taste nothing at all! bland and tasteless.. and you'll wonder where did all those good food go.
- when it's finally bedtime, you are damn tired yet you cant just turn and sleep. you have to find his comfortable position, before he could let you sleep in peace.
then tomorrow starts all over again. i tell you man, it's a horrendous torture. i'm just thankful i'm not working now, i cant imagine how to perform in office with all these physical and emotional roller-coaster rides.
honestly, this is how i spent past days and i suspect it'll be so for more days to come. people tell me it'll be over after he stablised, and this is one of those times you wish you have those jim carrey's remote control to fast forward life. just get it over asap, please!!
Friday 17 May 2013
7wk - mothers, you have my salute!
i'm not going to kid you: 1st trimester is really NOT EASY~ constantly bodily discomfort is miserable! i cant even eat though i thought i finally have some appetite. a few bites and i'll be bloated. how can anyone go through this~ you have my absolute salute!
need to rest but restless.. i mean, for goodness' sake, besides the compulsory breakfast trips, i am practically lazing on the sofa with tv or at the dinning table with laptop all day. this is my life now! imagine it! i made myself those compulsory trips for breakfast, yet when the little one is 'awake' *i assume only when he is awake hence i feel all those 'movements' / adjustments in my body*, my body turns upside down. yes i reckon he's hungry, but he leaves me no time to get dressed .. when he wants to eat, he wants to eat now! how ruthless life begins~ seriously, now i know what my mum or all mum went through, they have my absolute salute! this is physical torture, man! and to think some people have this first 3mths' secrecy myth, it's insane! how and why suffer in secret, just because of some myth! come'on, i rather let the world know this is torturous period, than to suffer in silence.
yawning and feeling bloated for all day! yet i cant sleep, not even nap.. and i cant eat, not even snacks.. well, i've chosen yogurt and oats bars for snacks. and apparently, it'll takes years to finish them with my few nibbles. honestly, when they say children is miracle from God, they are NOT kidding - it takes a miracle for one to go through this 'adjustments'. oh God, i need Your miracle now~!! keep my baby safe, and get these discomforts away, please please please~~
need to rest but restless.. i mean, for goodness' sake, besides the compulsory breakfast trips, i am practically lazing on the sofa with tv or at the dinning table with laptop all day. this is my life now! imagine it! i made myself those compulsory trips for breakfast, yet when the little one is 'awake' *i assume only when he is awake hence i feel all those 'movements' / adjustments in my body*, my body turns upside down. yes i reckon he's hungry, but he leaves me no time to get dressed .. when he wants to eat, he wants to eat now! how ruthless life begins~ seriously, now i know what my mum or all mum went through, they have my absolute salute! this is physical torture, man! and to think some people have this first 3mths' secrecy myth, it's insane! how and why suffer in secret, just because of some myth! come'on, i rather let the world know this is torturous period, than to suffer in silence.
yawning and feeling bloated for all day! yet i cant sleep, not even nap.. and i cant eat, not even snacks.. well, i've chosen yogurt and oats bars for snacks. and apparently, it'll takes years to finish them with my few nibbles. honestly, when they say children is miracle from God, they are NOT kidding - it takes a miracle for one to go through this 'adjustments'. oh God, i need Your miracle now~!! keep my baby safe, and get these discomforts away, please please please~~
Thursday 16 May 2013
7wk - tension over decisions
i dont like taiwan's medical attention! yes, it's cheaper than singapore but yet, there's no caring attention given! did i mention the gynecologist was not giving attention to his patient (ie ME!!) and then i had another 'better' one who kept pushing those scary scenarios for more tests to be done?
i've been doing some research and asking around on the first trimester tests. it turns out that amniocentesis can be second options, after One-stop Clinic for Assessment of Risk (OSCAR)! i'm not particularly worried about miscarriage rate but it's the timing for the tests! i've specifically told the gynecologist that i need to fly back to Singapore for 2nd trimester (24 June - 16 Sep), yet he kept telling me to take amniocentesis test which can only be taken after week16 (22July) and the result will require 3weeks hence we are looking at week20 (12Aug) before i can fly! that's already halfway of my second trimester! did he or did he not listen to my travel plan? i even told him straight that my hubby - joe is not always around in kaohsiung, hence i need to be back to Singapore for family support and care.
seriously i am looking at early/ mid July to fly back! though i have not change my airticket yet, but i know i have to do it SOON, by 18May!
http://www.babycenter.com.sg/a1036817/first-trimester-screening-oscar-
i've been doing some research and asking around on the first trimester tests. it turns out that amniocentesis can be second options, after One-stop Clinic for Assessment of Risk (OSCAR)! i'm not particularly worried about miscarriage rate but it's the timing for the tests! i've specifically told the gynecologist that i need to fly back to Singapore for 2nd trimester (24 June - 16 Sep), yet he kept telling me to take amniocentesis test which can only be taken after week16 (22July) and the result will require 3weeks hence we are looking at week20 (12Aug) before i can fly! that's already halfway of my second trimester! did he or did he not listen to my travel plan? i even told him straight that my hubby - joe is not always around in kaohsiung, hence i need to be back to Singapore for family support and care.
seriously i am looking at early/ mid July to fly back! though i have not change my airticket yet, but i know i have to do it SOON, by 18May!
http://www.babycenter.com.sg/a1036817/first-trimester-screening-oscar-
Tuesday 14 May 2013
7wk - First Heartbeat!
guess what?! i HEARD my baby's HEARTBEAT just now!! Yippee yeah!!
ok, i had some coffee discharge this morning.. with a heavy and worrying heart, i really watched the clock ticked till 2.30pm when i can finally register for afternoon consultation. when i say heavy, it's really HEAVY.. though i still managed to choke up a few smiles with my chinese physician, but my heart was really crunching inside. how i wish someone can just feel right into my womb and tell me what's happening to my baby. i was so so nervous and worried, damn worried .. afterall i had an ectopic pregnancy before. though the chinese physician was kind to share my concern, he couldn't really feel my baby's pulse hence, he agreed to my suggestion to visit gynecologist today, in order to give my mind and heart a rest. *i had a saturday appointment but it's only tuesday today*
that's exactly what i did~! i practically stormed to the gynecologist under the hot hot sun! heavy heart, yes.. to the point, i really didn't know what to expect or say.. i know i should at least say a prayer but i really have no word.. when i finally voiced out my worry to God, the words came easy.. God has this everything all planned. i may not have faith like abraham to sacrifice isaac, but i know God is still in control. then faith arises and fear is somehow diminished. by the time i registered,my heart is kinda settled down with God in control.. then while waiting for my number, i cant help being tickled by fear and so i spoke in spiritual tongue so loud in that spacious waiting lounge *i'm the only person left* for God in control.
i was really so fearful that i didn't know what to tell the gynecologist. when he directed me to the bed, my heart was so so so so heavy for i really didn't know what to expect.. when he probed with ultrasound, he couldn't hear any heartbeat!! OMG! my heart heavy and started to sink.. what should i do? my mind is in a mess.. then he suggested invasive probing with the scope, which is totally ok with me, as long as i can know my baby is safe inside my womb. and then there he is! little black spot on the screen, with a little white moving heart~ and the heartbeat!!! it's so fast~! i am so thankful to God when i heard that heartbeat! what an assuring sound to my ears! a heavy rock was lifted right away~~ this little one is safely nesting inside my womb. ^_^
then all the questions came.. remember i mentioned how busy the gynecologist was? well, this is his partner and less busy so he is quite (very) suggestive on all the pregnancy tests. seriously, after knowing my baby is ok, i really didn't wanted to hear of any other complications that might behold. yet, i thank God for his patience and explanation, i'm now officially a proud mother of 7weeks baby! edd 30dec2013!
too bad, joe was not here with me .. he would have heard the heartbeat too~ seriously, that beating sound is really miraculous! sweet sweet sound from God~! here's the scan of my baby~ ^o^
ok, i had some coffee discharge this morning.. with a heavy and worrying heart, i really watched the clock ticked till 2.30pm when i can finally register for afternoon consultation. when i say heavy, it's really HEAVY.. though i still managed to choke up a few smiles with my chinese physician, but my heart was really crunching inside. how i wish someone can just feel right into my womb and tell me what's happening to my baby. i was so so nervous and worried, damn worried .. afterall i had an ectopic pregnancy before. though the chinese physician was kind to share my concern, he couldn't really feel my baby's pulse hence, he agreed to my suggestion to visit gynecologist today, in order to give my mind and heart a rest. *i had a saturday appointment but it's only tuesday today*
that's exactly what i did~! i practically stormed to the gynecologist under the hot hot sun! heavy heart, yes.. to the point, i really didn't know what to expect or say.. i know i should at least say a prayer but i really have no word.. when i finally voiced out my worry to God, the words came easy.. God has this everything all planned. i may not have faith like abraham to sacrifice isaac, but i know God is still in control. then faith arises and fear is somehow diminished. by the time i registered,my heart is kinda settled down with God in control.. then while waiting for my number, i cant help being tickled by fear and so i spoke in spiritual tongue so loud in that spacious waiting lounge *i'm the only person left* for God in control.
i was really so fearful that i didn't know what to tell the gynecologist. when he directed me to the bed, my heart was so so so so heavy for i really didn't know what to expect.. when he probed with ultrasound, he couldn't hear any heartbeat!! OMG! my heart heavy and started to sink.. what should i do? my mind is in a mess.. then he suggested invasive probing with the scope, which is totally ok with me, as long as i can know my baby is safe inside my womb. and then there he is! little black spot on the screen, with a little white moving heart~ and the heartbeat!!! it's so fast~! i am so thankful to God when i heard that heartbeat! what an assuring sound to my ears! a heavy rock was lifted right away~~ this little one is safely nesting inside my womb. ^_^
then all the questions came.. remember i mentioned how busy the gynecologist was? well, this is his partner and less busy so he is quite (very) suggestive on all the pregnancy tests. seriously, after knowing my baby is ok, i really didn't wanted to hear of any other complications that might behold. yet, i thank God for his patience and explanation, i'm now officially a proud mother of 7weeks baby! edd 30dec2013!
too bad, joe was not here with me .. he would have heard the heartbeat too~ seriously, that beating sound is really miraculous! sweet sweet sound from God~! here's the scan of my baby~ ^o^
Monday 13 May 2013
6wk - amazing fruitful day
i must say yesterday 12May (Sun) was the best day i've for past weeks.. maybe bcos joe was with me all day, eating and walking with me.. yes, i dont really eat much (at all) alone.
after AR Bernard's awesome!! message on Faith via internet service, we went sushi express in kaohsiung arena for lunch~! yeah, it's my favourite snack bar *i dont eat alot anyway* oh, by the way, i should mention this - this little man inside me now seems to like singing praise and worship songs to God!! *YEAH!!* whenever i sing, all peace reigns, no bodily discomfort. how cool is that for morning sickness! ok, back to sushi, i had a hard struggle not to eat those familiar nigiri as they are raw fish. nevertheless, i still drank a bowl of miso, cooked prawns nigiri and cooked okra before the 'warning' burp. oh yes, i've also learnt to listen to this burp - eat till this burp and that's it. anyway, this burp quite fast after a few bites, so maintaining a non-loaded stomach which in turns ease the morning sickness.
did i mention it's rainy day? yes, and yet joe was willing to walk under the rain for such long distance to arena with me. how amazing is fatherly love?! he used to nag about how far is it, despite the fact it's just 10mins walk. not only that, we walked to library which is another mrt station away! now, that is quite a distance even for a 'walker' like me. i'm just so glad we did it anyway, after a rest at macdonald's. though i'm bored in library, but my heart smiled when i saw him carrying all those maternity/ pregnancy books. ok, joe will be a good father..just needed some nagging and persistent push to get him going.
then we had dinner at dumplings shop. it's amazing how i managed to eat so much in mere 4hrs! sushi-fries-dumplings! this is an achievement, man! and without feeling dizzy or nausea after meal! even though it's small bites, it's amazing how little guy is so guai when his dad is around. such a fruitful day of walking and eating! i kinda suspect i can only have such non-reactive days on Saturdays and Sundays, and able to eat the required portions.
see... now.. i've finished my breakfast (joe at at work) and this uncomfortable feeling is rising.. ok, people i have to rest now.
after AR Bernard's awesome!! message on Faith via internet service, we went sushi express in kaohsiung arena for lunch~! yeah, it's my favourite snack bar *i dont eat alot anyway* oh, by the way, i should mention this - this little man inside me now seems to like singing praise and worship songs to God!! *YEAH!!* whenever i sing, all peace reigns, no bodily discomfort. how cool is that for morning sickness! ok, back to sushi, i had a hard struggle not to eat those familiar nigiri as they are raw fish. nevertheless, i still drank a bowl of miso, cooked prawns nigiri and cooked okra before the 'warning' burp. oh yes, i've also learnt to listen to this burp - eat till this burp and that's it. anyway, this burp quite fast after a few bites, so maintaining a non-loaded stomach which in turns ease the morning sickness.
did i mention it's rainy day? yes, and yet joe was willing to walk under the rain for such long distance to arena with me. how amazing is fatherly love?! he used to nag about how far is it, despite the fact it's just 10mins walk. not only that, we walked to library which is another mrt station away! now, that is quite a distance even for a 'walker' like me. i'm just so glad we did it anyway, after a rest at macdonald's. though i'm bored in library, but my heart smiled when i saw him carrying all those maternity/ pregnancy books. ok, joe will be a good father..just needed some nagging and persistent push to get him going.
then we had dinner at dumplings shop. it's amazing how i managed to eat so much in mere 4hrs! sushi-fries-dumplings! this is an achievement, man! and without feeling dizzy or nausea after meal! even though it's small bites, it's amazing how little guy is so guai when his dad is around. such a fruitful day of walking and eating! i kinda suspect i can only have such non-reactive days on Saturdays and Sundays, and able to eat the required portions.
see... now.. i've finished my breakfast (joe at at work) and this uncomfortable feeling is rising.. ok, people i have to rest now.
Thursday 9 May 2013
6wk - Single-parent
i woke up venting my temper (and fear) this morning. in fact, it started last night - after the dinner with joe's friends. i'm not sure if it's the fried intestines or the sweet-and-sour froglegs which made me uncomfortable after the dinner. in fact, sometime nearing the end of dinner, i know something is not that right..
with every opportunity i had, i felt the windy turmoil inside me. actually perhaps it's just a whirl but added with my fear for the fetus, this windy seems to manifest into a monster..a evil inside. i felt so miserable. i wanted to puke this air out, i tried to burp it out but it's just not coming out.. this torture continued till late night. i made sure joe suffered too cos he didnt do his homework on what i can eat and what i cant, esp my health is not those 'typical'. every doze he tried, i made sure i mourn even louder. evil, yes, but hey he has never given me the 'assurance' that he's ready to be father, to be taking care of us. which is why he didnt do his homework on my forbidden food, thus i'm in this miserable state. yes, i blame him. initially he was glad *me too!* that i'll be back to Singapore, under care of my parents, so he didnt need to think much about taking care of me; but now he has to take care of me cos i cannot fly! shouldnt he at least be doing some homework on how to take care of me?!
i know taking care of people is not his character - all his life he only knows how to care for himself and him only. but shouldnt he, at least, try?! he always assume i know how to take care of myself *which i had to cos he doesnt!* but cant he try?! anyway i left him a long message in his fb.. which i think he wont have time to read cos his time are all spent on mobile games! yes, that is another part of his life, perhaps a bigger part than me and baby. be it shopping or chatting or even driving, he is always on the mobile game! he's married to his mobile game, rather than me!
i gave up vying with his mobile game for his time. i give up. if that's more important than me, so be it. he can play all his time, i just hope he will use his time on how to take care of me for his baby's sake. i'm not a single-parent, though very often i feel so.
with every opportunity i had, i felt the windy turmoil inside me. actually perhaps it's just a whirl but added with my fear for the fetus, this windy seems to manifest into a monster..a evil inside. i felt so miserable. i wanted to puke this air out, i tried to burp it out but it's just not coming out.. this torture continued till late night. i made sure joe suffered too cos he didnt do his homework on what i can eat and what i cant, esp my health is not those 'typical'. every doze he tried, i made sure i mourn even louder. evil, yes, but hey he has never given me the 'assurance' that he's ready to be father, to be taking care of us. which is why he didnt do his homework on my forbidden food, thus i'm in this miserable state. yes, i blame him. initially he was glad *me too!* that i'll be back to Singapore, under care of my parents, so he didnt need to think much about taking care of me; but now he has to take care of me cos i cannot fly! shouldnt he at least be doing some homework on how to take care of me?!
i know taking care of people is not his character - all his life he only knows how to care for himself and him only. but shouldnt he, at least, try?! he always assume i know how to take care of myself *which i had to cos he doesnt!* but cant he try?! anyway i left him a long message in his fb.. which i think he wont have time to read cos his time are all spent on mobile games! yes, that is another part of his life, perhaps a bigger part than me and baby. be it shopping or chatting or even driving, he is always on the mobile game! he's married to his mobile game, rather than me!
i gave up vying with his mobile game for his time. i give up. if that's more important than me, so be it. he can play all his time, i just hope he will use his time on how to take care of me for his baby's sake. i'm not a single-parent, though very often i feel so.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
6wk - Jeremiah
yesterday was a bit of a hectic day for pregnant me.
having no appetite, my day officially started at 3pm, after a simple toast bread at 10am. *10am-2pm i was on the previous blog post* wanted to nap but not sleepy at all, so kinda forced myself to go out and find food, any food will do. had a simple bowl of meehoon soup, which i amazingly finished it all! before i started on my afternoon walk..
i've never walked this slow~ it took me 1hr to get to kaohsiung arena which is just around the corner from my apartment, at 2.3km! dont ask me how did i do that turning 30mins journey into 1hr walk, somehow it just happened.
this is not all. my dad was admitted into Singapore General Hospital for his heart scan and operations at 2pm. my heart was with him, praying for God's peace and protection on the whole procedure. *he was on local anesthesia so he's awake throughout the scanning* when he's out, jancy messaged that the first statement was to order hospital dinner~! seriously, this is so typical of my dad. i bet, he might (must) have been directing his scan with the surgeons. doctor chua, we call him. at least, that's a good sign - asking for food immediately after scanning. results: out of 4 arteries from the past by-pass operation, 2 are still working well; 1 is blocked and another yet to be found. *'yet to be found'?!* they need to do another scan to locate this 'missing' arteries before they could decide on the 'balloon' operations. it's amazing how our human body work, even with 'hidden' artery. anyway, this is why he has to be hospitalized for another night to prepare for another scan.
came evening, joe and i consulted my chinese physician on my pregnancy. knowing i have more complications than normal mothers, he advised against flight during my first semester!! *seriously?!* i guess that's THE confirmation joe wanted while i tried to protest. i was really looking to 23May to return to Singapore.. to my hugo.. to my dad. despite the web information that flight is safe, i was shaken when the physician illustrated the 5% probability of mishap. yes, the 95% is safe to travel but what if i'm the 5%? knowing my medical history, i cant help but to give in.. bye, 23May.. Singapore, i will see you again in August2013. see you, my durians *sob sob*
PS: i cant help keep thinking of the name Jeremiah where God always reminds me on jere 33:3. perhaps this shall be my son's name (if he's a son)?
http://bible-library.com/Jeremiah
http://bibleencyclopedia.net/index.php/Jeremiah
having no appetite, my day officially started at 3pm, after a simple toast bread at 10am. *10am-2pm i was on the previous blog post* wanted to nap but not sleepy at all, so kinda forced myself to go out and find food, any food will do. had a simple bowl of meehoon soup, which i amazingly finished it all! before i started on my afternoon walk..
i've never walked this slow~ it took me 1hr to get to kaohsiung arena which is just around the corner from my apartment, at 2.3km! dont ask me how did i do that turning 30mins journey into 1hr walk, somehow it just happened.
this is not all. my dad was admitted into Singapore General Hospital for his heart scan and operations at 2pm. my heart was with him, praying for God's peace and protection on the whole procedure. *he was on local anesthesia so he's awake throughout the scanning* when he's out, jancy messaged that the first statement was to order hospital dinner~! seriously, this is so typical of my dad. i bet, he might (must) have been directing his scan with the surgeons. doctor chua, we call him. at least, that's a good sign - asking for food immediately after scanning. results: out of 4 arteries from the past by-pass operation, 2 are still working well; 1 is blocked and another yet to be found. *'yet to be found'?!* they need to do another scan to locate this 'missing' arteries before they could decide on the 'balloon' operations. it's amazing how our human body work, even with 'hidden' artery. anyway, this is why he has to be hospitalized for another night to prepare for another scan.
came evening, joe and i consulted my chinese physician on my pregnancy. knowing i have more complications than normal mothers, he advised against flight during my first semester!! *seriously?!* i guess that's THE confirmation joe wanted while i tried to protest. i was really looking to 23May to return to Singapore.. to my hugo.. to my dad. despite the web information that flight is safe, i was shaken when the physician illustrated the 5% probability of mishap. yes, the 95% is safe to travel but what if i'm the 5%? knowing my medical history, i cant help but to give in.. bye, 23May.. Singapore, i will see you again in August2013. see you, my durians *sob sob*
PS: i cant help keep thinking of the name Jeremiah where God always reminds me on jere 33:3. perhaps this shall be my son's name (if he's a son)?
Jeremiah 33:2-3
Thus says the Lord who made it, the Lord who formed it to establish it (the Lord is His name): ‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.’http://bible-library.com/Jeremiah
http://bibleencyclopedia.net/index.php/Jeremiah
Monday 6 May 2013
5wk - God has been busy preparing
let's see how should i start.. today is 6th May 2013 (Monday), the 4th day since my pregnancy test kit turned positive. let's start from the very beginning so you know this is a God prepared journey.. indeed it IS!
March 2013 - i received invitations for a job interview in Singapore, something i look forward to return to Singapore yet in my heart i'm unsure.. fyi, God closed this door soon after.
beginning April 2013 - as if a call from Heaven, i received a call from my neighbour one morning *i knew her from a social gathering, organised by existing community. never do i expect her to remember or to call me! she actually went to security guardhouse for my internal apartment line~! such persistent!* and as if a sudden drop of gift from Above, she wanted to rent me a bigger apartment (3-rooms, compared to my existing 2-rooms)! seriously, i was surprised and perhaps in shock to receive such offer. however, being rationale since i've planned to return to Singapore on 23May (for good), we politely turned her down.. straight in her face. you should have seen how i stammered in my reply, and how she disappointed looked.
mid April 2013 - looking forward to return to Singapore, yet still feeling uncertain in my heart on my planned return.. i kinda challenged God - the only reason You can make me stay in Taiwan is to have me pregnant. i mean, this is really the best reason (excuse) to cancel all the planning and announcements that i'm finally able to return to Singapore. yes, it is a dare challenge.. and frankly i was not putting my heart into my words, afterall i really want to return to my comfort zone. but i guess, my cellgroup leader - layla took it and prayed for me. and behold~ that particular week, He answered to our prayer with a '等待 wait' rhema. .. wait - it reminds me of my D-days.. how faithful God is, and how REAL God is when i waited for Him. so wait it shall be..
25th April 2013 - there's a milk fair organised by this community. *i really like this community - clean, modern and full of activities for residents* joe also started to order this delicious milk to be delivered to my doorstep daily, even though it's less than a month to my departure. initially the uncle kinda reluctant to clinch this deal cos it's less than a month, but i thank God for this auntie who was willing to compromise and accept our special arrangement. the milk is really delicious~ cow's milk with full-grain nutrients! even if i'm not pregnant, this sure helps in my daily requirement of B-complex.
30th April 2013 - my menstruation has still not come. i tried not to think much, though i kept a close watch on my breasts - how tender they are becoming. when i consult my chinese physician on my weekly review, i also reminded him how irregular my period has been hence this should not be something to be alarmed about. yet, being the caring and cautious physician, he adviced me against certain diet (eg barley) even though it's not confirmed that i'm pregnant, and he suggested for pregnancy test later a few days later. honestly i really thank God for his advice, cos i had a pot of barley dessert waiting for me at home that day~ in the end, joe had to finish it all.
2nd May 2013 - ok, i should give you some background for this sharing.. my church has organised an 溯溪 river-tracing event on 5th May. somehow in my inner man, i had this uneasiness to join them and perhaps i should at least 'warn' them about my suspected pregnancy. *i'm still waiting for weekends to come so i can test* trust me, i struggled internally. i mean, what if it's just my usual delayed menstruation? if so, there's no need to make such hoo-ha, right? frankly, i was really in a muddle that night. i attended cellgroup with such complexity that i really didn't give much attention to the message. i looked for opportunity to talk to layla, but she's rather busy serving others so i kinda chickened out and carried this complexity back home. in the middle of the night, around 4am, i woke up with such heavy heart. simply cant sleep, the question of to-inform-or-not-to-inform debated till 5.30am, when i finally left a message to layla on should pregnant woman allowed to river-trace, then i was able to doze back to sleep.
3rd May 2013 - you who are smart should have guessed what happened this day. layla jumped into conclusion that i'm pregnant and urged me to conduct pregnancy test that day. *honestly i was really hoping to test it a few days later; afterall ignorance is a bliss sometime* her urge was so encouraging, so i kinda dragged myself out to buy the test kit and on the way - my lunch. i didn't eat a lot, in fact no appetite to eat. i gave up on trying to eat and did the test at 12noon. wah lah, this is the fastest result i've ever seen in my experience! just a first few drops, the 2 strips are already clearly indicated! it's as if they're so eager to let me know~ my heart leaped yet fell with a heavy bump. this would imply my plan to return will be affected. seriously, i could just see God's grin at a corner of my eye. yes, this IS how HUMOROUS God is. He never fails to amaze me with His Plan and Ways. i'm always totally defeated by His humor! don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not happy about His Plan, but seriously? does He always have to arrange it 'last minute'? how timely can He be~! i simply have no idea how to tell joe~
after a exciting, comforting and assuring chat with layla who dashed to meet me after her class (and after my dancing class), my heart kinda accepted 70% of this news. ok, faith arises and action has to be done, the plans will have to be re-thought. is it going to be my plan or His Plan? seriously, at this point, i am still in awe of His humor..helplessly in awe. it's like everything i've planned is tossed upside-down and i've to re-look into re-arranging. seriously, the thought of this make me feel so helpless. yes, i'm happy, super happy to be a mother, but looking at the 'mess' to re-arrange, you can just imagine how tiring it is.
with my simplified inspiration of milk bottle, i shared this news to my baby's father - joe. it's after our 石二鍋steamboat dinner that i finally braced courage to reveal the bottle. omg, his eyes went red and were tearing! omg! he's more emotional than me! i guess i was more 'defeated by God's humour' than to feel the emotions. since then, it's roller-coaster ride~
first, i eagerly waited for my mum to return from her facial in order to break the news in front of whole family via skype. when she finally came back, when i finally broke the news, i was kinda disappointed with their reactions. i mean, my two crazy sisters were excited alright, but my parents... i know it's the norm of older generation to celebrate only when it's confirmed.. but still it hurts me to see how calmly they responded. honestly, my spirit sank.. even when layla and her husband visited us to pray for us and bless us, my heart still is kinda affected. in fact, i'm so affected that it ruined the rest of the night. i just wanted to share my joy, even if it's 'short-term' lah. why cant they just 'go with the flow'? i thank God for jancy whom i messaged my complaints. yes, i really thank God for His work in jancy. while i pour my complaints out, she was able to understand and even shared in a 'Christian manner'. i'm surprised how that chat blessed me, instead of deepening my complaints. God is indeed working in my family! Salvation is at work!
4th May 2013 - spent 6hrs waiting at the infamous gynecologist, only to find my baby embryo is nesting safely in my womb at 0.628mm. .*honestly, the 6hrs wait is exchanged for a less than 5mins consultation! is this how taiwanese 'famous' doctors manage their patients? i miss my old naggy gynecologist in Singapore - she's so famous yet she treats every patient with care and consideration time to explain and prepare them on expectations. oh seriously, i wish she's here to nag at me on what to do/expect next* i'm to follow-up again 2 weeks's time to check for heartbeat *sounds exciting?*
and this is the day when i feel i'm getting easily irritable, esp when i picked a quarrel with joe who accompanied me through the 6hrs. honestly, i know it's not his fault that he was not aware of how to take care of me. afterall he's not taught like we are exposed in Singapore, and it's his first time visiting gynecologist for ultra-sound scan, but it's just so me to blow it out and feel (good) tired after that. *don't worry we are fine after an afternoon nap*
5th May 2013 - i finally paid attention to all my tiredness. even though i'm out with my in-laws but i cant help feeling sleepy and yawning. i must have given them a 'heck-care' face cos i'm really so tired in front of them. it's joe who broke the news to them. i'm not sure if they are really happy about it, but i remember my mil was glad that i'm going back soon to be under the care of my mother. seriously, after the episode with my parents, i really don't care how the elders are taking it, i just want eat and rest. and so i did.
the question now is.. God, do you want me to stay in Taiwan or return to Singapore? You know we have to give birth in Singapore, where my mother will be able to take care of my confinement. But.. do you want me to leave on 23May 2013?
Ecclesiastes 11:5
March 2013 - i received invitations for a job interview in Singapore, something i look forward to return to Singapore yet in my heart i'm unsure.. fyi, God closed this door soon after.
beginning April 2013 - as if a call from Heaven, i received a call from my neighbour one morning *i knew her from a social gathering, organised by existing community. never do i expect her to remember or to call me! she actually went to security guardhouse for my internal apartment line~! such persistent!* and as if a sudden drop of gift from Above, she wanted to rent me a bigger apartment (3-rooms, compared to my existing 2-rooms)! seriously, i was surprised and perhaps in shock to receive such offer. however, being rationale since i've planned to return to Singapore on 23May (for good), we politely turned her down.. straight in her face. you should have seen how i stammered in my reply, and how she disappointed looked.
mid April 2013 - looking forward to return to Singapore, yet still feeling uncertain in my heart on my planned return.. i kinda challenged God - the only reason You can make me stay in Taiwan is to have me pregnant. i mean, this is really the best reason (excuse) to cancel all the planning and announcements that i'm finally able to return to Singapore. yes, it is a dare challenge.. and frankly i was not putting my heart into my words, afterall i really want to return to my comfort zone. but i guess, my cellgroup leader - layla took it and prayed for me. and behold~ that particular week, He answered to our prayer with a '等待 wait' rhema. .. wait - it reminds me of my D-days.. how faithful God is, and how REAL God is when i waited for Him. so wait it shall be..
25th April 2013 - there's a milk fair organised by this community. *i really like this community - clean, modern and full of activities for residents* joe also started to order this delicious milk to be delivered to my doorstep daily, even though it's less than a month to my departure. initially the uncle kinda reluctant to clinch this deal cos it's less than a month, but i thank God for this auntie who was willing to compromise and accept our special arrangement. the milk is really delicious~ cow's milk with full-grain nutrients! even if i'm not pregnant, this sure helps in my daily requirement of B-complex.
30th April 2013 - my menstruation has still not come. i tried not to think much, though i kept a close watch on my breasts - how tender they are becoming. when i consult my chinese physician on my weekly review, i also reminded him how irregular my period has been hence this should not be something to be alarmed about. yet, being the caring and cautious physician, he adviced me against certain diet (eg barley) even though it's not confirmed that i'm pregnant, and he suggested for pregnancy test later a few days later. honestly i really thank God for his advice, cos i had a pot of barley dessert waiting for me at home that day~ in the end, joe had to finish it all.
2nd May 2013 - ok, i should give you some background for this sharing.. my church has organised an 溯溪 river-tracing event on 5th May. somehow in my inner man, i had this uneasiness to join them and perhaps i should at least 'warn' them about my suspected pregnancy. *i'm still waiting for weekends to come so i can test* trust me, i struggled internally. i mean, what if it's just my usual delayed menstruation? if so, there's no need to make such hoo-ha, right? frankly, i was really in a muddle that night. i attended cellgroup with such complexity that i really didn't give much attention to the message. i looked for opportunity to talk to layla, but she's rather busy serving others so i kinda chickened out and carried this complexity back home. in the middle of the night, around 4am, i woke up with such heavy heart. simply cant sleep, the question of to-inform-or-not-to-inform debated till 5.30am, when i finally left a message to layla on should pregnant woman allowed to river-trace, then i was able to doze back to sleep.
3rd May 2013 - you who are smart should have guessed what happened this day. layla jumped into conclusion that i'm pregnant and urged me to conduct pregnancy test that day. *honestly i was really hoping to test it a few days later; afterall ignorance is a bliss sometime* her urge was so encouraging, so i kinda dragged myself out to buy the test kit and on the way - my lunch. i didn't eat a lot, in fact no appetite to eat. i gave up on trying to eat and did the test at 12noon. wah lah, this is the fastest result i've ever seen in my experience! just a first few drops, the 2 strips are already clearly indicated! it's as if they're so eager to let me know~ my heart leaped yet fell with a heavy bump. this would imply my plan to return will be affected. seriously, i could just see God's grin at a corner of my eye. yes, this IS how HUMOROUS God is. He never fails to amaze me with His Plan and Ways. i'm always totally defeated by His humor! don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm not happy about His Plan, but seriously? does He always have to arrange it 'last minute'? how timely can He be~! i simply have no idea how to tell joe~
after a exciting, comforting and assuring chat with layla who dashed to meet me after her class (and after my dancing class), my heart kinda accepted 70% of this news. ok, faith arises and action has to be done, the plans will have to be re-thought. is it going to be my plan or His Plan? seriously, at this point, i am still in awe of His humor..helplessly in awe. it's like everything i've planned is tossed upside-down and i've to re-look into re-arranging. seriously, the thought of this make me feel so helpless. yes, i'm happy, super happy to be a mother, but looking at the 'mess' to re-arrange, you can just imagine how tiring it is.
with my simplified inspiration of milk bottle, i shared this news to my baby's father - joe. it's after our 石二鍋steamboat dinner that i finally braced courage to reveal the bottle. omg, his eyes went red and were tearing! omg! he's more emotional than me! i guess i was more 'defeated by God's humour' than to feel the emotions. since then, it's roller-coaster ride~
first, i eagerly waited for my mum to return from her facial in order to break the news in front of whole family via skype. when she finally came back, when i finally broke the news, i was kinda disappointed with their reactions. i mean, my two crazy sisters were excited alright, but my parents... i know it's the norm of older generation to celebrate only when it's confirmed.. but still it hurts me to see how calmly they responded. honestly, my spirit sank.. even when layla and her husband visited us to pray for us and bless us, my heart still is kinda affected. in fact, i'm so affected that it ruined the rest of the night. i just wanted to share my joy, even if it's 'short-term' lah. why cant they just 'go with the flow'? i thank God for jancy whom i messaged my complaints. yes, i really thank God for His work in jancy. while i pour my complaints out, she was able to understand and even shared in a 'Christian manner'. i'm surprised how that chat blessed me, instead of deepening my complaints. God is indeed working in my family! Salvation is at work!
4th May 2013 - spent 6hrs waiting at the infamous gynecologist, only to find my baby embryo is nesting safely in my womb at 0.628mm. .*honestly, the 6hrs wait is exchanged for a less than 5mins consultation! is this how taiwanese 'famous' doctors manage their patients? i miss my old naggy gynecologist in Singapore - she's so famous yet she treats every patient with care and consideration time to explain and prepare them on expectations. oh seriously, i wish she's here to nag at me on what to do/expect next* i'm to follow-up again 2 weeks's time to check for heartbeat *sounds exciting?*
and this is the day when i feel i'm getting easily irritable, esp when i picked a quarrel with joe who accompanied me through the 6hrs. honestly, i know it's not his fault that he was not aware of how to take care of me. afterall he's not taught like we are exposed in Singapore, and it's his first time visiting gynecologist for ultra-sound scan, but it's just so me to blow it out and feel (good) tired after that. *don't worry we are fine after an afternoon nap*
5th May 2013 - i finally paid attention to all my tiredness. even though i'm out with my in-laws but i cant help feeling sleepy and yawning. i must have given them a 'heck-care' face cos i'm really so tired in front of them. it's joe who broke the news to them. i'm not sure if they are really happy about it, but i remember my mil was glad that i'm going back soon to be under the care of my mother. seriously, after the episode with my parents, i really don't care how the elders are taking it, i just want eat and rest. and so i did.
the question now is.. God, do you want me to stay in Taiwan or return to Singapore? You know we have to give birth in Singapore, where my mother will be able to take care of my confinement. But.. do you want me to leave on 23May 2013?
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you do not know what is the way of the wind,
Or how the bones grow in the womb of her who is with child,
So you do not know the works of God who makes everything.
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