for past days i have been telling myself to update this blog with the joy and anticipation of getting all those baby stuff in place. i've been sorting, washing and folding those tiny clothing, mittens, and socks since his cabinet arrived on 11Nov (Mon), everything seems so in place, and surreal that a baby is really coming into my life. the reality really kicked in when you see these little stuff in place. not to mention, his newborn and small sizes diapers..even my hospital bag is prepared. everything was under my control, single-handedly and that feels good.
till today! woke up with bad dream, had a very very late breakfast and my instinct is always telling me to lie down asap, though i was in marketplace. i managed to come back asap, after the usual maketing and it sure feels good to lie down. my tummy has been so tightened from time to time. the old auntie whom i dont know in the market made it worse by commenting 'you'll be giving birth soon'. for a normal expectant mother, that is a joy comment to hear, but it scared the hell of me! no!! i dont want jeremiah to come out now, not now, not anytime soon! not when his daddy is not in singapore, let alone not contactable in open seas!! *he'll be here in 3weeks' time, please my dear jeremiah, please stay inside till your daddy is here in singapore with us.*
while i was bathing, i really felt worse. so bad cos i'm facing this stress of preterm birth alone, that i actually feel like a single mother! i hate this feeling, i hate joe for not being here now! when i'm facing these stress of pregnancy, these discouraging injections at every meals, where is he? where is he when i need him during pregnancy?! i know he's working very hard on his diving assignments, earning as much as he can while he can. but why am i facing these alone?! why cant i have a normal pregnancy of joy and anticipation, like others do? my baby has not heard his daddy's voice since his hearing has fully developed. i really feel like a single mother. i mean, if i'm really a single mum, so be it - i would have the courage to face these all when i decided to keep baby. but i'm not! yet i feel i am!! i dont have the courage to go through alone!!
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