maybe few months of insomnia is having its toil on me, maybe it's starting of another depression.. whichever i am not feeling any happy for past 2 weeks. yes, the placenta issue is gripping on me, so down that i kinda resigned that i wont be able to give baby jeremiah a full-term delivery. ok, so be it. perhaps it's the after delivery stress i'm facing now.. anticipating the stress of recovery, the stress of dealing my mom's expectation and her methods of recovery. i know she means well, everyone in the family means well.. but i really just want to be alone, i dont want to face or talk to anyone. it's so hard putting on a 'i'm ok' mask, when i know i'm not really ok.
i know it's my body which i have to blame, not my poor baby - a gift from God. but i have no courage, no strength to provide for him, afterall my body has been displaying its limitations these days esp in emotions. at this rate i'm masking, i really dont know when the full-blown attack will come.
who can i turn to? God - whom i have absolutely no faith in now?? joe - whom wont understand and is not around now??? yes, i know he's earning hard, very hard to provide for our future.. so hard that i think he'll be happier if we had not married. i know he will endure (he's good in his work ethnic, so good that he can compromise himself just to bring home earnings), i know he loves me.. but when i need someone now, he's not around and what's the use of messaging him anyway, knowing he knows yet he doesnt understand.
i'm so tired.. alone i am facing the pressure at home, alone i am facing all the disappointments of myself, alone i am facing the discomforts - physically and emotionally. i'm so tired.. that i actually thought of dying for past days.. if only i dont have little jeremiah inside me, i really too tired to live on now..
no, i'm not talking to jeremiah about this, but he kinda feel it too since he's inside. i'm sorry, my dear, i cant keep up with the emotional strength - the joy, the anticipation, the stress.. i just pray God will take care of you inside, despite the constant suicidal flashes in my mind. mummy is just too tired now..
Monday 23 September 2013
Thursday 12 September 2013
24wk - placenta, please move up
today must be the most tiring day of my pregnancy. i was out for breakfast at 9.30am, received a sudden call from eirene for lunch (right after i gulped down my breakfast tea). the lunch date amazingly lasted for nearly 6hrs from 11.30am! it's incredible how much we can chat (not gossip) though we kinda meet uo=p every month. anyway, i'm glad to be out.. having such 'tai-tai' life. by the time she sent me back home, it's 5pm and i had to leave at 5.30pm for another gathering with ex-colleagues, which had just ended at 10.30pm. what a day of eating.. i practically didnt stop muching, eating from 9.30am.
yes, physically i am tired. i guess my battery went drastically flat at 9.30pm when i started to lose concentration. it was good day. but somehow behind my greeting face, my mind is occupied with the results from tuesday gyn visit - low lying placenta. ever since last tuesday's checkup, i cant help feeling down again. in fact, when gyn told me what's low lying placenta is about and its complications, my spirit went so so down. i've always wanted a smooth natural full-term delivery. not bcos it's good for confinement recovery, but i want to have a feel of 'painful' motherhood, to really feel for my delivery. and of course, i wanted it full-term so that little jeremiah will have all organs in complete functions, esp lungs. i really hope the best health start for jeremiah. i didnt have a healthy lungs since young, hence asthmatic. so i really want little jeremiah to be in perfect health as newborn, at least a good healthy base to start his life. so, this placenta news is really weighing me down down no matter how i tried to pray and leave it to God. if this placenta doesnt move up, i wont be able to have natural delivery, let alone full-term. if i cant endure the pain of natural before going into cesarean, i would resigned to it, at least baby is full-term labour. the last thing i want for jeremiah is pre-term, where his lungs are not ready for air yet. it hurts me as a mother, just to think of that. it's my body which cant seem to facilitate his healthy growth.. something i wont be able to forgive myself. yes, baby jeremiah is growing healthy inside, playing with his hands during the scan.. it's my body, my placenta.. i am so disappointed with my body yet all i can do now is to pray and hope it'll rise to better position for natural birth.
oh God, please... You know i'm faithless, You know my prayer is weak with all those 'i want'.. but.. i really squeezing my every ounce of faith to lift my placenta concern onto You. joe has more faith than i do; if it helps, i hope You'll take in account of his faith and answer our prayer for placenta to rise, for smooth natural full-term delivery. i'm sorry i'm faithless, please forgive me and grant me a full-term delivery with natural birth. amen.
yes, physically i am tired. i guess my battery went drastically flat at 9.30pm when i started to lose concentration. it was good day. but somehow behind my greeting face, my mind is occupied with the results from tuesday gyn visit - low lying placenta. ever since last tuesday's checkup, i cant help feeling down again. in fact, when gyn told me what's low lying placenta is about and its complications, my spirit went so so down. i've always wanted a smooth natural full-term delivery. not bcos it's good for confinement recovery, but i want to have a feel of 'painful' motherhood, to really feel for my delivery. and of course, i wanted it full-term so that little jeremiah will have all organs in complete functions, esp lungs. i really hope the best health start for jeremiah. i didnt have a healthy lungs since young, hence asthmatic. so i really want little jeremiah to be in perfect health as newborn, at least a good healthy base to start his life. so, this placenta news is really weighing me down down no matter how i tried to pray and leave it to God. if this placenta doesnt move up, i wont be able to have natural delivery, let alone full-term. if i cant endure the pain of natural before going into cesarean, i would resigned to it, at least baby is full-term labour. the last thing i want for jeremiah is pre-term, where his lungs are not ready for air yet. it hurts me as a mother, just to think of that. it's my body which cant seem to facilitate his healthy growth.. something i wont be able to forgive myself. yes, baby jeremiah is growing healthy inside, playing with his hands during the scan.. it's my body, my placenta.. i am so disappointed with my body yet all i can do now is to pray and hope it'll rise to better position for natural birth.
oh God, please... You know i'm faithless, You know my prayer is weak with all those 'i want'.. but.. i really squeezing my every ounce of faith to lift my placenta concern onto You. joe has more faith than i do; if it helps, i hope You'll take in account of his faith and answer our prayer for placenta to rise, for smooth natural full-term delivery. i'm sorry i'm faithless, please forgive me and grant me a full-term delivery with natural birth. amen.
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