25wk - tired yet masked

maybe few months of insomnia is having its toil on me, maybe it's starting of another depression.. whichever i am not feeling any happy for past 2 weeks. yes, the placenta issue is gripping on me, so down that i kinda resigned that i wont be able to give baby jeremiah a full-term delivery. ok, so be it. perhaps it's the after delivery stress i'm facing now.. anticipating the stress of recovery, the stress of dealing my mom's expectation and her methods of recovery. i know she means well, everyone in the family means well.. but i really just want to be alone, i dont want to face or talk to anyone. it's so hard putting on a 'i'm ok' mask, when i know i'm not really ok.

i know it's my body which i have to blame, not my poor baby - a gift from God. but i have no courage, no strength to provide for him, afterall my body has been displaying its limitations these days esp in emotions. at this rate i'm masking, i really dont know when the full-blown attack will come.

who can i turn to? God - whom i have absolutely no faith in now?? joe - whom wont understand and is not around now??? yes, i know he's earning hard, very hard to provide for our future.. so hard that i think he'll be happier if we had not married. i know he will endure (he's good in his work ethnic, so good that he can compromise himself just to bring home earnings), i know he loves me.. but when i need someone now, he's not around and what's the use of messaging him anyway, knowing he knows yet he doesnt understand.

i'm so tired.. alone i am facing the pressure at home, alone i am facing all the disappointments of myself, alone i am facing the discomforts - physically and emotionally. i'm so tired.. that i actually thought of dying for past days.. if only i dont have little jeremiah inside me, i really too tired to live on now..

no, i'm not talking to jeremiah about this, but he kinda feel it too since he's inside. i'm sorry, my dear, i cant keep up with the emotional strength - the joy, the anticipation, the stress.. i just pray God will take care of you inside, despite the constant suicidal flashes in my mind. mummy is just too tired now..

24wk - placenta, please move up

today must be the most tiring day of my pregnancy. i was out for breakfast at 9.30am, received a sudden call from eirene for lunch (right after i gulped down my breakfast tea). the lunch date amazingly lasted for nearly 6hrs from 11.30am! it's incredible how much we can chat (not gossip) though we kinda meet uo=p every month. anyway, i'm glad to be out.. having such 'tai-tai' life. by the time she sent me back home, it's 5pm and i had to leave at 5.30pm for another gathering with ex-colleagues, which had just ended at 10.30pm. what a day of eating.. i practically didnt stop muching, eating from 9.30am.

yes, physically i am tired. i guess my battery went drastically flat at 9.30pm when i started to lose concentration. it was good day. but somehow behind my greeting face, my mind is occupied with the results from tuesday gyn visit - low lying placenta. ever since last tuesday's checkup, i cant help feeling down again. in fact, when gyn told me what's low lying placenta is about and its complications, my spirit went so so down. i've always wanted a smooth natural full-term delivery. not bcos it's good for confinement recovery, but i want to have a feel of 'painful' motherhood, to really feel for my delivery. and of course, i wanted it full-term so that little jeremiah will have all organs in complete functions, esp lungs. i really hope the best health start for jeremiah. i didnt have a healthy lungs since young, hence asthmatic. so i really want little jeremiah to be in perfect health as newborn, at least a good healthy base to start his life. so, this placenta news is really weighing me down down no matter how i tried to pray and leave it to God. if this placenta doesnt move up, i wont be able to have natural delivery, let alone full-term. if i cant endure the pain of natural before going into cesarean, i would resigned to it, at least baby is full-term labour. the last thing i want for jeremiah is pre-term, where his lungs are not ready for air yet. it hurts me as a mother, just to think of that. it's my body which cant seem to facilitate his healthy growth.. something i wont be able to forgive myself. yes, baby jeremiah is growing healthy inside, playing with his hands during the scan.. it's my body, my placenta.. i am so disappointed with my body yet all i can do now is to pray and hope it'll rise to better position for natural birth.

oh God, please... You know i'm faithless, You know my prayer is weak with all those 'i want'.. but.. i really squeezing my every ounce of faith to lift my placenta concern onto You. joe has more faith than i do; if it helps, i hope You'll take in account of his faith and answer our prayer for placenta to rise, for smooth natural full-term delivery. i'm sorry i'm faithless, please forgive me and grant me a full-term delivery with natural birth. amen.

21wk - i'm sorry, jeremiah

i am feeling depressed past days.. very depressed..

it's sad to know i am not able to buy new clothes and new baby stuff for my first born (perhaps only child) jeremiah.. from one who earns S$5000 per month, now i've to look everywhere to save - my own social expenditure, my baby's preparation expenses.. cos joe is now only earning S$1500 (after conversion from taiwan income). i feel so bad that i cant even buy nice new stuff for my jeremiah.. i even begin to doubt if it's a right decision to bring him into this world, when i'm not financially independent.

i've nothing against reusing baby stuff.. i welcome them as blessings from others. nevertheless, it hurts me so much that i cant even buy that nice baby romper or baby stroller /cot for jeremiah. what kind of mother am i?

besides that, it hurts to plan and go through all these preparation myself.. it reminds me of my wedding where i have to take care of every details, as if i'm desperate to marry off.. i dont like my wedding. i dont want to have this feeling for jeremiah.. but i cant help it. it seems i'm the one doing, searching, and planning everything here.. esp with the need to save and maximise economical value, my family even think i'm miser. how to tell them that jow is only earning $1500 now - lowest salary by singapore's standard, even my old aged mum earns more than him, and my show-off sister keeps telling people i'm miser.. when i was earning $5000 ididnt have to thin much on spending on things i like, for people i like.. let alone my baby jeremiah.. i feel so ashamed, so bad that i cant provide him properly.. when others are happily shopping and planning for newborn, i've to think and search for ways to help him survive.. what kind of mother i am..

i really want to provide for you, jeremiah.. but i'm sorry.. i cant afford now.. 

21wk - joy of pregnancy

if you tell me to 'enjoy pregnancy' few weeks ago, i will sure give u a 'are you kidding' look. how to enjoy with all the worries (esp the more information you read from internet) and the uncomfortable uneasy sleeping positions? but now, i think i'm beginning to understand what is the joy of pregnancy, esp when you know when the little one inside is awake and exercising. and of course, the uncomfortable weight is gone so i can walk normally (not as fast as before though).

joy of pregnancy.. i guess this is what it is. i am beginning to enjoy pregnancy as they say i should. my joy comes at week 20/21, perhaps a little later than they experienced. anyway, i'm really enjoying this balloon tummy and ease of walking. ok, the only part i'm still struggling is controlling my weight gain. honestly, it's still on the excessive gain, no matter how i 'diet'. you know, pregnant women is not allowed to be on 'slimming' diet. despite my efforts on 'control' diet, i'm still gaining more than i should. i am beginning to suspect it's the 1kg of food waste stored inside, due to constipation. really! when i'm finally able to let out those waste, i'm always excited to weigh myself to see this 1kg reduction. 1kg of waste due to constipation! how gross (amazing) our body can be.

did i tell you little jeremiah is one who knows when to ask for food? he'll kick (or move around) more when it's near lunch, dinner and little supper time. oh, and also when he hears his daddy's voice over skype. this little one is sensible (esp in food) - like father like son. joe is also very strict in his meal times - he really needs to eat when it's his routine meal time. amazing how this father and son are so alike, even though they have not met in person. the poor mummy (ie yours truly) will have to adhere to these timings, lest their hunger temper blow. little jeremiah.. you are so cute ^_^

19wk - financial crunch

today i feel so alone.. lonely.. not depressing enough for depression attack, but i guess i'm near the edge. 

cant help thinking how 'non-contributing' i am now - nothing to do at home except watching tv, sleeping and eating. even taking offend when my arrogant sister commented why my mum has to cook all day. *as if i'd demand her to!* .. starting to miss having joe and having our own place, our own pace of living. trust me, if financial allows, i'd rather move out on my own to have my own family - raising my baby without the vulgarity influence of arrogant and crude sister. whenever i visit my friends who have their own apartment, i really wish i could be the same.. i miss my own family, own family space.

i miss joe now.. to know he's working really hard in taiwan, in hope to save some money for us (mother and son) in singapore, really hurts my heart. whenever i see him skipping or scrimping meals, settling on instant noodles, it's like a stabbing reminder of how this decision to return singapore affects us. making things worse, this decision was mainly my idea, my determination. i always feel so remorseful on this decision - separation my loving joe from me and jeremiah. yet, i know i've been thru taiwan life home alone - worrying joe who needs constant concentration at work. i know i cant have best of both worlds, i know i have to fight this thinking away. 

financially, i worry about expenditure in singapore. i'm not able to work (who would employ pregnant woman now?) hence i'm trying very hard not to spend money by staying at home. even when i have this eye infection since yesterday, i still choose to pray and hope it'll heal by itself, instead of visiting the doctor for ointment. *is this the first taste if parenthood, which i heard from some friends that they didnt dare to go for doctor when sick?* coming in my face on tuesday, there's a gyn package payment of S$1000. the last time i checked my bank account, it's just about S$1000.. i dont want to touch my emergency money (not much though) cos purchase of baby furniture and supplies will be another sum up coming. looking at my stagnant balance with only outflow, i really need a financial miracle soon. not to mention, my friends are already starting to wonder why didnt i ask them out, since i've been back for a month now. gathering will mean another expenditure which i cannot afford now. God, i really need a financial miracle blessing~!

18wk - so, this is quickening feeling

thanks be to God ^~^ at exactly noon today, i felt a little pop from my tummy.. just a gentle pop feeling. under the noise of kids at schoolhouse, this pop was n is really a surprise! at first i tot it's my hunger, but wait, i'm not hungry, not esp after a fattening sweet cupcake. so, this must be it! my little jeremiah is moving inside, when he heard all the kids playing n running around me. he must have wanted to play with them! i'm thrilled, so happy! so, this is how quickening feels like. it's not the 'butterfly' feeling as wendy shared *i'm also wondering if she really feeling hers, or just following what her pregnancy book says* kinda glad that i'm not into those pregnancy books, cos the info scared the hell of me with those complications. i am a lazy mum, emotional - yes, but i'm trying to let God does His work of protecting baby jeremiah. anyway, that was the best pop assurance ever! a little nudge,just like air bubble pop.

that was just once this afternoon... i was waiting but nothing felt after that. till my neighbour's boy cried at 10.15pm.. there, the pop came again. oh, so my boy wants to play with kids. when he hears kid screams, he will move.. perhaps to play with them, perhaps to tell them to silence so he can sleep. haahaaa all in all, i'm so looking forward to more poppings.



p/s: i dint share w joe, though.  i guess u can say i'm throwing tantrum cos he promised to read a story to baby via skype, but he returned home drunk~!! i'm still so upset about it..

17wk - two become one

last saturday, joe went to church alone, even though i'm not in taiwan anymore.. i really thank God for this decision, this act.. because he is so blessed by the message *timely rhema for this time indeed!*, and he even shared with me.. *actually i am so reluctant to hear his recorded audio*

God is indeed watching over me, joe and my family. even though i'm falling into the dark pit of depression, cant hear or cant even hold any faith, He pours His living word into joe who is my half. indeed, we are one flesh - joe and me. when i'm so 'deaf' and hard in heart, God never fails to reach out to me. now being married, joe is my 'open' half. cant help being loved by Abba Father, cant help loving joe.. how can i not love a husband like joe?! i really love him so much now~

i know my baby jeremiah is so loved and will be guided by God. i know God is watching every step of his life, joe's life, my life and our lives. yes, opening myself to God is so hard - it's like facing a vacuum of darkness. but i will never know when and where the helping hand will emerge from darkness. this is case, God uses joe's hand to reach into me. thank you, Jesus~

Date: Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:26:15 +0800
From: joe
Subject: 因為愛你因為你很重要
To: j
今天是很重要的一天
我拿到了第一本屬於我的聖經
我分享了最近的喜樂
我也讓大家一起幫寶寶禱告
我今天的主日吸收到很多很重要的資訊
我也很剛好突然想到錄下來給寶寶聽
於是今天就好像神透過傳道對我們倆祝福
雖然上面寫的都是我
那是因為...我心裡有寶寶

寶寶一直與我同在

你會發現神給我們的祝福都是我們想像不到的

看到事情的光明面

嘲笑我們的困難好嗎

Mark 10:7-8

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.