6wk - Single-parent

i woke up venting my temper (and fear) this morning. in fact, it started last night - after the dinner with joe's friends. i'm not sure if it's the fried intestines or the sweet-and-sour froglegs which made me uncomfortable after the dinner. in fact, sometime nearing the end of dinner, i know something is not that right..

with every opportunity i had, i felt the windy turmoil inside me. actually perhaps it's just a whirl but added with my fear for the fetus, this windy seems to manifest into a monster..a evil inside. i felt so miserable. i wanted to puke this air out, i tried to burp it out but it's just not coming out.. this torture continued till late night. i made sure joe suffered too cos he didnt do his homework on what i can eat and what i cant, esp my health is not those 'typical'. every doze he tried, i made sure i mourn even louder. evil, yes, but hey he has never given me the 'assurance' that he's ready to be father, to be taking care of us. which is why he didnt do his homework on my forbidden food, thus i'm in this miserable state. yes, i blame him. initially he was glad *me too!* that i'll be back to Singapore, under care of my parents, so he didnt need to think much about taking care of me; but now he has to take care of me cos i cannot fly! shouldnt he at least be doing some homework on how to take care of me?!

i know taking care of people is not his character - all his life he only knows how to care for himself and him only. but shouldnt he, at least, try?! he always assume i know how to take care of myself *which i had to cos he doesnt!* but cant he try?! anyway i left him a long message in his fb.. which i think he wont have time to read cos his time are all spent on mobile games! yes, that is another part of his life, perhaps a bigger part than me and baby. be it shopping or chatting or even driving, he is always on the mobile game! he's married to his mobile game, rather than me!

i gave up vying with his mobile game for his time. i give up. if that's more important than me, so be it. he can play all his time, i just hope he will use his time on how to take care of me for his baby's sake. i'm not a single-parent, though very often i feel so.