21wk - i'm sorry, jeremiah

i am feeling depressed past days.. very depressed..

it's sad to know i am not able to buy new clothes and new baby stuff for my first born (perhaps only child) jeremiah.. from one who earns S$5000 per month, now i've to look everywhere to save - my own social expenditure, my baby's preparation expenses.. cos joe is now only earning S$1500 (after conversion from taiwan income). i feel so bad that i cant even buy nice new stuff for my jeremiah.. i even begin to doubt if it's a right decision to bring him into this world, when i'm not financially independent.

i've nothing against reusing baby stuff.. i welcome them as blessings from others. nevertheless, it hurts me so much that i cant even buy that nice baby romper or baby stroller /cot for jeremiah. what kind of mother am i?

besides that, it hurts to plan and go through all these preparation myself.. it reminds me of my wedding where i have to take care of every details, as if i'm desperate to marry off.. i dont like my wedding. i dont want to have this feeling for jeremiah.. but i cant help it. it seems i'm the one doing, searching, and planning everything here.. esp with the need to save and maximise economical value, my family even think i'm miser. how to tell them that jow is only earning $1500 now - lowest salary by singapore's standard, even my old aged mum earns more than him, and my show-off sister keeps telling people i'm miser.. when i was earning $5000 ididnt have to thin much on spending on things i like, for people i like.. let alone my baby jeremiah.. i feel so ashamed, so bad that i cant provide him properly.. when others are happily shopping and planning for newborn, i've to think and search for ways to help him survive.. what kind of mother i am..

i really want to provide for you, jeremiah.. but i'm sorry.. i cant afford now.. 

21wk - joy of pregnancy

if you tell me to 'enjoy pregnancy' few weeks ago, i will sure give u a 'are you kidding' look. how to enjoy with all the worries (esp the more information you read from internet) and the uncomfortable uneasy sleeping positions? but now, i think i'm beginning to understand what is the joy of pregnancy, esp when you know when the little one inside is awake and exercising. and of course, the uncomfortable weight is gone so i can walk normally (not as fast as before though).

joy of pregnancy.. i guess this is what it is. i am beginning to enjoy pregnancy as they say i should. my joy comes at week 20/21, perhaps a little later than they experienced. anyway, i'm really enjoying this balloon tummy and ease of walking. ok, the only part i'm still struggling is controlling my weight gain. honestly, it's still on the excessive gain, no matter how i 'diet'. you know, pregnant women is not allowed to be on 'slimming' diet. despite my efforts on 'control' diet, i'm still gaining more than i should. i am beginning to suspect it's the 1kg of food waste stored inside, due to constipation. really! when i'm finally able to let out those waste, i'm always excited to weigh myself to see this 1kg reduction. 1kg of waste due to constipation! how gross (amazing) our body can be.

did i tell you little jeremiah is one who knows when to ask for food? he'll kick (or move around) more when it's near lunch, dinner and little supper time. oh, and also when he hears his daddy's voice over skype. this little one is sensible (esp in food) - like father like son. joe is also very strict in his meal times - he really needs to eat when it's his routine meal time. amazing how this father and son are so alike, even though they have not met in person. the poor mummy (ie yours truly) will have to adhere to these timings, lest their hunger temper blow. little jeremiah.. you are so cute ^_^

19wk - financial crunch

today i feel so alone.. lonely.. not depressing enough for depression attack, but i guess i'm near the edge. 

cant help thinking how 'non-contributing' i am now - nothing to do at home except watching tv, sleeping and eating. even taking offend when my arrogant sister commented why my mum has to cook all day. *as if i'd demand her to!* .. starting to miss having joe and having our own place, our own pace of living. trust me, if financial allows, i'd rather move out on my own to have my own family - raising my baby without the vulgarity influence of arrogant and crude sister. whenever i visit my friends who have their own apartment, i really wish i could be the same.. i miss my own family, own family space.

i miss joe now.. to know he's working really hard in taiwan, in hope to save some money for us (mother and son) in singapore, really hurts my heart. whenever i see him skipping or scrimping meals, settling on instant noodles, it's like a stabbing reminder of how this decision to return singapore affects us. making things worse, this decision was mainly my idea, my determination. i always feel so remorseful on this decision - separation my loving joe from me and jeremiah. yet, i know i've been thru taiwan life home alone - worrying joe who needs constant concentration at work. i know i cant have best of both worlds, i know i have to fight this thinking away. 

financially, i worry about expenditure in singapore. i'm not able to work (who would employ pregnant woman now?) hence i'm trying very hard not to spend money by staying at home. even when i have this eye infection since yesterday, i still choose to pray and hope it'll heal by itself, instead of visiting the doctor for ointment. *is this the first taste if parenthood, which i heard from some friends that they didnt dare to go for doctor when sick?* coming in my face on tuesday, there's a gyn package payment of S$1000. the last time i checked my bank account, it's just about S$1000.. i dont want to touch my emergency money (not much though) cos purchase of baby furniture and supplies will be another sum up coming. looking at my stagnant balance with only outflow, i really need a financial miracle soon. not to mention, my friends are already starting to wonder why didnt i ask them out, since i've been back for a month now. gathering will mean another expenditure which i cannot afford now. God, i really need a financial miracle blessing~!

18wk - so, this is quickening feeling

thanks be to God ^~^ at exactly noon today, i felt a little pop from my tummy.. just a gentle pop feeling. under the noise of kids at schoolhouse, this pop was n is really a surprise! at first i tot it's my hunger, but wait, i'm not hungry, not esp after a fattening sweet cupcake. so, this must be it! my little jeremiah is moving inside, when he heard all the kids playing n running around me. he must have wanted to play with them! i'm thrilled, so happy! so, this is how quickening feels like. it's not the 'butterfly' feeling as wendy shared *i'm also wondering if she really feeling hers, or just following what her pregnancy book says* kinda glad that i'm not into those pregnancy books, cos the info scared the hell of me with those complications. i am a lazy mum, emotional - yes, but i'm trying to let God does His work of protecting baby jeremiah. anyway, that was the best pop assurance ever! a little nudge,just like air bubble pop.

that was just once this afternoon... i was waiting but nothing felt after that. till my neighbour's boy cried at 10.15pm.. there, the pop came again. oh, so my boy wants to play with kids. when he hears kid screams, he will move.. perhaps to play with them, perhaps to tell them to silence so he can sleep. haahaaa all in all, i'm so looking forward to more poppings.



p/s: i dint share w joe, though.  i guess u can say i'm throwing tantrum cos he promised to read a story to baby via skype, but he returned home drunk~!! i'm still so upset about it..

17wk - two become one

last saturday, joe went to church alone, even though i'm not in taiwan anymore.. i really thank God for this decision, this act.. because he is so blessed by the message *timely rhema for this time indeed!*, and he even shared with me.. *actually i am so reluctant to hear his recorded audio*

God is indeed watching over me, joe and my family. even though i'm falling into the dark pit of depression, cant hear or cant even hold any faith, He pours His living word into joe who is my half. indeed, we are one flesh - joe and me. when i'm so 'deaf' and hard in heart, God never fails to reach out to me. now being married, joe is my 'open' half. cant help being loved by Abba Father, cant help loving joe.. how can i not love a husband like joe?! i really love him so much now~

i know my baby jeremiah is so loved and will be guided by God. i know God is watching every step of his life, joe's life, my life and our lives. yes, opening myself to God is so hard - it's like facing a vacuum of darkness. but i will never know when and where the helping hand will emerge from darkness. this is case, God uses joe's hand to reach into me. thank you, Jesus~

Date: Sun, 28 Jul 2013 00:26:15 +0800
From: joe
Subject: 因為愛你因為你很重要
To: j
今天是很重要的一天
我拿到了第一本屬於我的聖經
我分享了最近的喜樂
我也讓大家一起幫寶寶禱告
我今天的主日吸收到很多很重要的資訊
我也很剛好突然想到錄下來給寶寶聽
於是今天就好像神透過傳道對我們倆祝福
雖然上面寫的都是我
那是因為...我心裡有寶寶

寶寶一直與我同在

你會發現神給我們的祝福都是我們想像不到的

看到事情的光明面

嘲笑我們的困難好嗎

Mark 10:7-8

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 

17wk - a life of burden

i really blew it.. i cried in front of my sister during breakfast..

last night i dreamt of miscarriage.. fell from stairs and bleeding all over.. i tried to push bb back but i cant.. i prayed with more plead than faith. i cried n cried.. it's a horrible dream, yet it hold onto me even when i'm awake. i just broke down.. simply broke down at breakfast table. i didnt know i can turn on so much tears in an instant..

i'm afraid little jeremiah might feel that i dont want him, which is not true, yet i cant help myself. i dont want my bb to feel my depression, yet i cant help it.. jancy was right - being a parent is already a burden by itself, a burden i am so overwhelmed now. i really dont want and never want to be anyone's burden at all. yet, being pregnant i feel like a burden to all. i dont mind my son being a burden cos i want him to know i love him so much, even though my depression is attacking. but i cant take it when i become a burden to anyone, even my loving joe.

jancy says there's always greater power of love which surpass guilt of burden, that's why family is always willing to give, adjust and adapt for one another. perhaps i just cant see this power yet.. something i know i have to work on. indeed God bless me with this pregnancy now, in His perfect timing. perhaps it is i who have to learn to draw strength and courage to go thru it, just like i did during the 2years of depression. perhaps it's another of His tests, when i am weak. the difference is.. this time, where is my faith to even find the tap of His love.

Depression-during-pregnancy

17wk - first wave of depression...

for days i feel very depressed, very discouraged in this family. one may think since mother has gone thru pregnancy, she should know but how wrong it is. instead of at least sympathising, 'you are weak lah' 'so troublesome' are her slogans to me. yes, every pregnancy is different but if she can sympathise with those preg women in her temple community why cant she be so for her own preg daughter. without joe around, i already feel so lost in support. i miss joe,my laogong... everytime i feel so bad physically n emotionally, i tell myself i still have a loving husband who supports me. it comforts me so much when we finally skype at night.. i wish we have not been separated. every discomfort, every hunger, my joe will always be with me to go thru it. pregnancy is not easy for me, i dont expect everyone to understand or even feel my discomfort,but at least dont stab me when i'm trying to be strong for joe, for my baby. so often now, i am so tempted to not to have baby.. every night i cried myself to sleep.. i dont want depression to attack,but i really feel so depressed in this family.