i really blew it.. i cried in front of my sister during breakfast..
last night i dreamt of miscarriage.. fell from stairs and bleeding all over.. i tried to push bb back but i cant.. i prayed with more plead than faith. i cried n cried.. it's a horrible dream, yet it hold onto me even when i'm awake. i just broke down.. simply broke down at breakfast table. i didnt know i can turn on so much tears in an instant..
i'm afraid little jeremiah might feel that i dont want him, which is not true, yet i cant help myself. i dont want my bb to feel my depression, yet i cant help it.. jancy was right - being a parent is already a burden by itself, a burden i am so overwhelmed now. i really dont want and never want to be anyone's burden at all. yet, being pregnant i feel like a burden to all. i dont mind my son being a burden cos i want him to know i love him so much, even though my depression is attacking. but i cant take it when i become a burden to anyone, even my loving joe.
jancy says there's always greater power of love which surpass guilt of burden, that's why family is always willing to give, adjust and adapt for one another. perhaps i just cant see this power yet.. something i know i have to work on. indeed God bless me with this pregnancy now, in His perfect timing. perhaps it is i who have to learn to draw strength and courage to go thru it, just like i did during the 2years of depression. perhaps it's another of His tests, when i am weak. the difference is.. this time, where is my faith to even find the tap of His love.
Depression-during-pregnancy
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