cant help thinking how 'non-contributing' i am now - nothing to do at home except watching tv, sleeping and eating. even taking offend when my arrogant sister commented why my mum has to cook all day. *as if i'd demand her to!* .. starting to miss having joe and having our own place, our own pace of living. trust me, if financial allows, i'd rather move out on my own to have my own family - raising my baby without the vulgarity influence of arrogant and crude sister. whenever i visit my friends who have their own apartment, i really wish i could be the same.. i miss my own family, own family space.
i miss joe now.. to know he's working really hard in taiwan, in hope to save some money for us (mother and son) in singapore, really hurts my heart. whenever i see him skipping or scrimping meals, settling on instant noodles, it's like a stabbing reminder of how this decision to return singapore affects us. making things worse, this decision was mainly my idea, my determination. i always feel so remorseful on this decision - separation my loving joe from me and jeremiah. yet, i know i've been thru taiwan life home alone - worrying joe who needs constant concentration at work. i know i cant have best of both worlds, i know i have to fight this thinking away.
financially, i worry about expenditure in singapore. i'm not able to work (who would employ pregnant woman now?) hence i'm trying very hard not to spend money by staying at home. even when i have this eye infection since yesterday, i still choose to pray and hope it'll heal by itself, instead of visiting the doctor for ointment. *is this the first taste if parenthood, which i heard from some friends that they didnt dare to go for doctor when sick?* coming in my face on tuesday, there's a gyn package payment of S$1000. the last time i checked my bank account, it's just about S$1000.. i dont want to touch my emergency money (not much though) cos purchase of baby furniture and supplies will be another sum up coming. looking at my stagnant balance with only outflow, i really need a financial miracle soon. not to mention, my friends are already starting to wonder why didnt i ask them out, since i've been back for a month now. gathering will mean another expenditure which i cannot afford now. God, i really need a financial miracle blessing~!
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