9wk - surprise after surprise

You believe what just happened! What I thought was simple dinner with mother-in-law turned out to be start of tonight's surprises.
first - my cellgroup members wanted to pay me a visit which really blessed my heart cos i've not seen them for so long.
Second - my in-laws came to have dinner with me which awkwardly surprised me cos joe is not around this week.. nevertheless i m quite happy to have company for dinner. then.. its what came after dinner which really shocked me! instead of dropping me off n went their way home my mother-in-law brought out her luggage. for a whole i thought she's going to give me more foodstuff  which she usually dp.. but i realized what was her actual plan when in the lift - she is staying overnight here! i was stunned by her 'no notice' but i guess she must have planned it all along that explains her luggage. ...ok cool i can take it..

then my friends came. i m so so glad to see them. they totally lifted my awkwardness up n lighten my mood. we chatted about how i have been eat..*no they dont know my blog*  its when they commented that i m rather stiffen that i got started. stiffen? i thought i was relaxed enough despite the presence of my mother-in-law. i thought i was quite at ease already though little one inside wad still a bit unsettled. they are also surprised to see a lively and fast walker has turned into slow super slow stroller who cant afford any disturbance for her little one inside. frankly i cant believe it myself too. i have been taking awareness not to hunch my back. but still.. they notice the stiffness of my shoulders. what can i say?

perhaps its the last minute surprise of hosting my mother-in-law that puts me in uncomfortable yet i have to present natural. perhaps its my unsettled little boss inside who make me nervous. Or perhaps i just cant sit on lounge chair cos i need yo either lie down totally or sit upright at right angle. whatever it is i m just glad i m now lying on my bed.. still trying to recover from so many information... in one night and mere few hours. what a night.

9wk - little grape at week9

it's been a while..2weeks to be exact since i have seen and heard my baby. and after the emotional outburst, i was kinda worried and missing my baby.. so i went for unscheduled consultation, on excuse that joe was not with me on my previous visit.

for the whole day i was waiting, counting the hours for joe to return from work.. damn that took ages.. when i finally got to see my baby in his little grape shape and his fast 150bpm heartbeat, i felt so safe. yes, i felt assured to know this little guy is still safely inside and making progress. though i've not been eating well (full), it's amazing that i actually gained weight~! ^_^

and yes, i'm still feeling uncomfortable and restless all day. even though my boss is nesting well inside, i still feel discomfort, esp in this summer weather! it's so so so HOT! appetite is getting worse - i ask my boss for his preference and his reply was silence.. no craving, no direction of what i should eat. i just do my best to feed myself something each day, every 2hrs from 10am. gosh, why 12hrs a day is so so hard to get by, when you are pregnant? time really crraawwlllss now.

maybe i should get myself something to do.. like?? unlike singapore, there's not much pregnancy workshops or classes here, at least none from the people i know, none from my gynecologist. so.. pregnancy in kaohsiung is like waiting to eggs to hatch - sit and eat, do nothing at home all day? oh ok, most of the ladies here actually prefer to stay at home so no issue to them.. but not me!! help~~ what can i do now to make my life better, at least for the next few weeks before i fly home?!

8wk - i'm sorry, Lord

i'm sorry, Lord. sorry for the angry hurtful words spoken against my body, my baby. in my anger, i said those words knowingly i was not holding my tongue. i held my temper, but my tongue is which i should hold. i'm sorry, Lord. please forgive me. take away all the damages i have said n made by my tongue, please continue to watch over my little jeremiah n ensure his healthy growth. Lord, take away my depressing emotions, if any in me. i've fought the depression monster n really pray it wont have any hold on my baby. let my baby be healthy and strong physically and emotionally, with a compassionate heart like You. please let him not have memory of what he heard or felt just now. Lord, please forgive me. help me to hold my tongue, my emotions. help joe to hold and manage his emotions. You are still Lord of our family, Lord of my marriage. Jesus, have mercy on me.

8wk - story of ben carson

just watch an AMAZING movie - 'Gifted Hands - Story of Ben Carson'.. it's so amazing that you cannot believe how much i cried, moved to tears by the miraculous gift of life. whom God has appointed, He will guide and protect him into His purpose, i believe this is what God has in plan for dr carson. gifted - yes, but most importantly God watches over him, every acts of him. even when young carson was filled with rage and violence, He protected him from killing his friend in rage. and i guess, it's also because dr carson was willing to humble himself to God, praying for God to take away his temper. that's humility which pleases God. i pray my baby will have this humility in his life, in his character. who are we to boast our knowledge before our Creator? yes, you may say it's knowledge and inspiration which lead dr carson to those successful operations, but where did all those scientific knowledge come from, o you rational mind? those scientific discoveries are revelation of God's creations - how He creates things to work. and those inspirations? i believe it's little hints or directions from God that we should go or discover. how amazing God is! 

perhaps you who watch the same movie may not cry like i do, but from a mother's stand, i totally understand and feels for the children.. why God had them this way at birth - i do not know, but i believe it's all so His Glory of creation can be shown, manifested through dr carson. it hurts for every parent to go through those 'why' questions. this movie touches me so deeply, not just because of how i feel with the parents, but how God has everything and everyone in His plan. God is just so amazing, so wonderful..


**

perhaps i'm 'destined' to be watching this movie - i woke up late cos i was in fact feeling depressed and worried about my pregnancy, then have a simple breakfast cooked and left for me by my lovely husband, then i felt so uncomfortable and i decided to lie down for whatever movie on tv. the monent i turned on the tv, rhis is the first show on tv and it gripped me to my heart. yeah, i choose to believe this is one of God's ways to comfort me in my depressing time now. my little baby is appointed by God (says so in Jere 33:3), so He will guide and lead his growth. nothing i can do can enhance or interfere his growth. everything is in God's Hands, in His Plan, for His Glory. 

how could i know how his little hands are formed? even with all the latest science, we could only know it grows, taking form inside womb, but we do not know how. God is the Creator of miraculous things, and life is one of His miraculous works. 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

As you do not know the path of the wind,
    or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
    the Maker of all things.

7wk - i need that remote control

hmm.. what can i say. i must say this year is indeed a breakthrough year - my little one and moi monkey cousin has gotten herself a boyfriend! omg! i still remember her as the 'boys yucks' girl from st nicholas school. oh yeah, she was disgusted with the idea of boy-friends, let alone having a boyfriend himself! what a change, what a news! yes, i'm surprise.. esp this little girl didnt tell me about her bf, till i saw her picture on whatsapp.. that's disappointing as big monkey :( hehe.. i'll drill her despite this far far distance on the details.

ok, if you are wondering about how's this new mummy getting along with her 'adjustments', it still sucks! seriously, people, esp you guys!, respect and love your mothers - they really went through shit to have you (me inclusive) popping out from them. all you might see in family album is those happy-to-be-pregnant pictures, but hey, it's a torturous process behind those smiles,

ok. picture this
- wake up in the morning yet cant just turn and get up cos you'll get so so dizzy if you just get up as usual
- it takes no time for the little one inside to remind you he needs breakfast hence no time for you to have proper wash-up, and dont even bother about choosing what clothes to wear - when he wants food, he wants it NOW!;
- when you manage to drag yourself to breakfast store (cos there's simply no allowance for you to cook breakfast), you have to eat so fast yet so slowly, in order to 'eat more' before little guy pulls the 'no more food' string. just as how he demands it, when he wants to stop, you have to stop now otherwise he'll make sure there's more hell experience.
- when you try to walk (the most advisable exercise for pregnant women) he demands his rest, therefore you just have to walk very very slowly in order not to create 'turbulence' in his nest. and even so, you cant really walk far, you just to stop and rest for 15mins after a 5-10mins walk.
- when you finally finally get back home, you will be so tired yet you cant sit nor sleep. if you lie in that position, you'll feel so bloated; if you sit in this position, every inch of body tells you to lie down.
- oh, thank God, you finally find the 'right position', you can finally rest or even nap.. but wait!, it's only 15-20mins! of peace before you have to fight with discomfort all day
- even if you are kinda hungry, you have to ask, yes ask literally, the little boss inside for his appetite - wrong food (ie not his preference) is a one-way ticket to another hell experience.
- nothing you eat tastes good or even tasty for you can taste nothing at all! bland and tasteless.. and you'll wonder where did all those good food go.
- when it's finally bedtime, you are damn tired yet you cant just turn and sleep. you have to find his comfortable position, before he could let you sleep in peace.
then tomorrow starts all over again. i tell you man, it's a horrendous torture. i'm just thankful i'm not working now, i cant imagine how to perform in office with all these physical and emotional roller-coaster rides.

honestly, this is how i spent past days and i suspect it'll be so for more days to come. people tell me it'll be over after he stablised, and this is one of those times you wish you have those jim carrey's remote control to fast forward life. just get it over asap, please!!

7wk - mothers, you have my salute!

i'm not going to kid you: 1st trimester is really NOT EASY~ constantly bodily discomfort is miserable! i cant even eat though i thought i finally have some appetite. a few bites and i'll be bloated. how can anyone go through this~ you have my absolute salute! 

need to rest but restless.. i mean, for goodness' sake, besides the compulsory breakfast trips, i am practically lazing on the sofa with tv or at the dinning table with laptop all day. this is my life now! imagine it! i made myself those compulsory trips for breakfast, yet when the little one is 'awake' *i assume only when he is awake hence i feel all those 'movements' / adjustments in my body*, my body turns upside down. yes i reckon he's hungry, but he leaves me no time to get dressed .. when he wants to eat, he wants to eat now! how ruthless life begins~ seriously, now i know what my mum or all mum went through, they have my absolute salute! this is physical torture, man! and to think some people have this first 3mths' secrecy myth, it's insane! how and why  suffer in secret, just because of some myth! come'on, i rather let the world know this is torturous period, than to suffer in silence.

yawning and feeling bloated for all day! yet i cant sleep, not even nap.. and i cant eat, not even snacks.. well, i've chosen yogurt and oats bars for snacks. and apparently, it'll takes years to finish them with my few nibbles. honestly, when they say children is miracle from God, they are NOT kidding - it takes a miracle for one to go through this 'adjustments'. oh God, i need Your miracle now~!! keep my baby safe, and get these discomforts away, please please please~~

7wk - tension over decisions

i dont like taiwan's medical attention! yes, it's cheaper than singapore but yet, there's no caring attention given! did i mention the gynecologist was not giving attention to his patient (ie ME!!) and then i had another 'better' one who kept pushing those scary scenarios for more tests to be done?

i've been doing some research and asking around on the first trimester tests. it turns out that amniocentesis can be second options, after One-stop Clinic for Assessment of Risk (OSCAR)! i'm not particularly worried about miscarriage rate but it's the timing for the tests! i've specifically told the gynecologist that i need to fly back to Singapore for 2nd trimester (24 June - 16 Sep), yet he kept telling me to take amniocentesis test which can only be taken after week16 (22July) and the result will require 3weeks hence we are looking at week20 (12Aug) before i can fly! that's already halfway of my second trimester! did he or did he not listen to my travel plan? i even told him straight that my hubby - joe is not always around in kaohsiung, hence i need to be back to Singapore for family support and care. 

seriously i am looking at early/ mid July to fly back! though i have not change my airticket yet, but i know i have to do it SOON, by 18May! 

http://www.babycenter.com.sg/a1036817/first-trimester-screening-oscar-