today must be the most tiring day of my pregnancy. i was out for breakfast at 9.30am, received a sudden call from eirene for lunch (right after i gulped down my breakfast tea). the lunch date amazingly lasted for nearly 6hrs from 11.30am! it's incredible how much we can chat (not gossip) though we kinda meet uo=p every month. anyway, i'm glad to be out.. having such 'tai-tai' life. by the time she sent me back home, it's 5pm and i had to leave at 5.30pm for another gathering with ex-colleagues, which had just ended at 10.30pm. what a day of eating.. i practically didnt stop muching, eating from 9.30am.
yes, physically i am tired. i guess my battery went drastically flat at 9.30pm when i started to lose concentration. it was good day. but somehow behind my greeting face, my mind is occupied with the results from tuesday gyn visit - low lying placenta. ever since last tuesday's checkup, i cant help feeling down again. in fact, when gyn told me what's low lying placenta is about and its complications, my spirit went so so down. i've always wanted a smooth natural full-term delivery. not bcos it's good for confinement recovery, but i want to have a feel of 'painful' motherhood, to really feel for my delivery. and of course, i wanted it full-term so that little jeremiah will have all organs in complete functions, esp lungs. i really hope the best health start for jeremiah. i didnt have a healthy lungs since young, hence asthmatic. so i really want little jeremiah to be in perfect health as newborn, at least a good healthy base to start his life. so, this placenta news is really weighing me down down no matter how i tried to pray and leave it to God. if this placenta doesnt move up, i wont be able to have natural delivery, let alone full-term. if i cant endure the pain of natural before going into cesarean, i would resigned to it, at least baby is full-term labour. the last thing i want for jeremiah is pre-term, where his lungs are not ready for air yet. it hurts me as a mother, just to think of that. it's my body which cant seem to facilitate his healthy growth.. something i wont be able to forgive myself. yes, baby jeremiah is growing healthy inside, playing with his hands during the scan.. it's my body, my placenta.. i am so disappointed with my body yet all i can do now is to pray and hope it'll rise to better position for natural birth.
oh God, please... You know i'm faithless, You know my prayer is weak with all those 'i want'.. but.. i really squeezing my every ounce of faith to lift my placenta concern onto You. joe has more faith than i do; if it helps, i hope You'll take in account of his faith and answer our prayer for placenta to rise, for smooth natural full-term delivery. i'm sorry i'm faithless, please forgive me and grant me a full-term delivery with natural birth. amen.
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