maybe few months of insomnia is having its toil on me, maybe it's starting of another depression.. whichever i am not feeling any happy for past 2 weeks. yes, the placenta issue is gripping on me, so down that i kinda resigned that i wont be able to give baby jeremiah a full-term delivery. ok, so be it. perhaps it's the after delivery stress i'm facing now.. anticipating the stress of recovery, the stress of dealing my mom's expectation and her methods of recovery. i know she means well, everyone in the family means well.. but i really just want to be alone, i dont want to face or talk to anyone. it's so hard putting on a 'i'm ok' mask, when i know i'm not really ok.
i know it's my body which i have to blame, not my poor baby - a gift from God. but i have no courage, no strength to provide for him, afterall my body has been displaying its limitations these days esp in emotions. at this rate i'm masking, i really dont know when the full-blown attack will come.
who can i turn to? God - whom i have absolutely no faith in now?? joe - whom wont understand and is not around now??? yes, i know he's earning hard, very hard to provide for our future.. so hard that i think he'll be happier if we had not married. i know he will endure (he's good in his work ethnic, so good that he can compromise himself just to bring home earnings), i know he loves me.. but when i need someone now, he's not around and what's the use of messaging him anyway, knowing he knows yet he doesnt understand.
i'm so tired.. alone i am facing the pressure at home, alone i am facing all the disappointments of myself, alone i am facing the discomforts - physically and emotionally. i'm so tired.. that i actually thought of dying for past days.. if only i dont have little jeremiah inside me, i really too tired to live on now..
no, i'm not talking to jeremiah about this, but he kinda feel it too since he's inside. i'm sorry, my dear, i cant keep up with the emotional strength - the joy, the anticipation, the stress.. i just pray God will take care of you inside, despite the constant suicidal flashes in my mind. mummy is just too tired now..
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